Hearts, flowers and a week feeling at home in AR

It has been 12 days since I last saw Joey, and while enjoying what we have living 1200 miles apart can be difficult at times, what I have in a friendship is truly unique and very much a blessing, something I will never take for granted.  Lets just hope the next 12 days goes as quickly as the last.

On February 14,  just after midnight, I landed in Memphis. I arrived to beautiful flowers,  an incredible airport kiss and a beautiful handmade Valentine! *(see handmade below) Our plan was to head to Little Rock in the early afternoon, settle in, eat dinner, go to a show and then head out on the town. We did, and it was amazing!

Our way back from Little Rock was a race against the ice clock. We stopped for groceries, knowing we would be stuck for a few days with the impending storm. We headed home, and prepared a wonderful meal and hunkered down for a few days of captive studio time. It was the most wonderfully relaxing 10 day break from school that I have ever had the pleasure of enjoying. I am not one to be a homebody, but this time, it was just what I needed. We did venture out from time to time, and even managed to take in a movie the night before I returned home.

So what did we do/see?:

In Little Rock we went to:

the Flying Saucer     -FM rating 10
 When we couldn't get into the Flying Fish for dinner we went on a hunt for another suitable eatery. This place boasted a HUGE craft list and basically was one of the most progressive I have seen in AR yet. CUDOS to them. Valentines special, a flight of sours, some hard to get stuff too. Food was tasty and well worth the stop.

The Studio Theater FM rating 8+ 
Maybe it was just the production we saw, Rehearsal for Murder, which was a bit dry and not as interactive as we expected? This is an incredibly progressive space however and the bar boasts $7. glasses of wine that are basically 10oz pours AND you can take them into the theater with you.  

Willie D's Piano Bar FM rating 7 
Entertainment was great, and there is a dance floor upstairs, but the drinks sucked - order Macros as they are not as big of a price gouge.

The Flying Fish FM hangover rating 12++
A boatload of really fresh fish (we had the grilled trout) and OYSTERS served up with freshly ground  cocktail sauce.  All that was missing was the Bloody Mary. Sunday brunch was not overly crowded.

Historic Arkansas Museum FM rating 12++ (even while hungover) 
Incredible collection for such a small place and its free!

The movie we saw?
Fifty Shades of Grey  FM rating- 0 it SUCKED!!! 
boring, abusive, not worth the money or the time


*the handmade rules:
Birthday and Christmas gifts are to be handmade and/or up-cycled and if its up-cycled it has to cost less than $5.00.
Cards given on Valentines Day and other important dates determined by us- have to be handmade
Food, when prepared at home has to be as sexy as possible so that it evokes a sense of gratitude for the ability to share each others company and mindfulness of eating.

Why these rules? Everything about learning to love yourself as well as each other is a journey in mindfulness. Exchanging things that are handmade with each other creates the time for reflection on this mindfulness. Everything we do for each other, we also do for ourselves.

Our next Adventure? NCECA

where a year has taken me- the story I never really told

It was just about a year ago (Feb 7, 2014) during the opening ceremonies of the Olympics that the man I had married 28 years earlier had told me that he had something to tell me, and that thought he would loose me. He confessed to a double life, lets put it this way, he confessed to a very long and very fruitful, meaning more than one woman, life...I am not one to kiss and tell but the fact that I had to beg for any type of affection or affirmation for the last half dozen years suddenly made sense. So did the never wanting to travel with me, even when it was for the kids. Lets put it this way, this past year has been a journey of discoveries. While this whole story has been sad, a great deal of those discoveries have been wonderful.

Where has this year taken me? At first I was asked if we could work it out, the shock of the betrayal yet to sink in and then there was the unconditional love. I thought he was the love of my life. The interesting thing here, is that so many have told me there is no way they would forgive. All I can say is until you walk a day in my shoes, you have no idea. Everything I read said give it a year. I was willing to put 1000% in and I did, I spent hours toiling over making myself into this creature I was not (hair, nails, make-up,  among other things) and doing all this work on communication skills. The only problem was, I was still pleading and he was still playing, WITH HER. Six months after I agreed to work it out, I decided, when he stood me up at the airport so that he could go to a concert with her, that I was tired and finally giving up. I let him go. Funny thing, he seemed indifferent. WOW, I meant that little. That was an eye opener.

He had moved out briefly in April, I wish he had stayed out. I would be so much further along in the healing process. Though I think about this and know that I am probably better off with the way things have played out, mostly because there are lessons I have learned that have helped me tremendously by his refusal to leave.

I had forgiven him for awhile, that was until he refused to give up his other life. While I was wearing those rose colored lenses,  I had confided in a handful of friends that had varied opinions about what was going on. A half dozen of them have really been crucial to making this years journey about me and LESS about HIM. There is this one, however, that really stands out. His name is Joey.

Joey and I have been friends since the moment we met a few years ago while our boys were skating. He is one of those people that you could talk about anything with. When I called him a year ago to tell him what had happened, I told him that I just needed someone to listen, without opinion. He obliged and then he did something spectacular, he helped me try to figure out what I needed to do to "fix" my marriage, despite knowing in his heart that my husband was just dicking me around (*excuse me). Joey also kept trying desperately to get me to spend a weekend away, if only to give me respite from the grief he was watching unfold. I was so desperate. I was so not myself. Then he did the one thing that everyone wanted to do but couldn't figure out how to do. He ran pass interference, the kind that was akin to a rescue mission. I had planned on spending a solo 2 weeks away, deep in the woods, 5 miles off the grid. When that fell through, Joey got his uncle to offer his place at the lake. Joey convinced me to come, stay, decompress before school, and bring some clay. He rescued me from myself.

 I like to think of Joey as an extremely compassionate soul, the kind of friend that would let you call him crying or angry at 2:30 AM (boy has he seen that a few times). The guy that would let you sleep if you needed it, or make you a cup of tea if you needed that. The one thing that set him apart from everyone else, is that he understood that the one thing my husband had neglected, my self esteem. He told me I was pretty, gorgeous, sexy, a girly girl... all well before he ever held my hand, all while I was trying to compete with the other woman. He made sure to remind me of who I was, as he had always known me. He ran into the fire and pulled me out 1000X and quite honestly I know in my heart of hearts he would do it again. (Don't worry, I am so cognizant of how special that is that I won't/can't/don't abuse it. Our friendship means too much!)

What I have learned about me in this past year: I am this awesome, creative, ambitious, confident and compassionate woman. I am beautiful, sexy, and it is an honor to be loved by me. I have learned that meditation can change the world, the universe is amazing and that sometimes letting go of the pain, just nourishes your love. I have learned that there were a lot of things I gave of myself in the name of love that I had no right giving, and that there are a lot of things that I would never give up ever again. I have found the dignity and respect that I deserve within myself and if you love me, you won't ask me to sacrifice it. I learned true friends, are EVERYTHING!

So this is where I am a year out, choosing not to make an anniversary out of the negative but rather engage in a celebration of who I fell in love with on my journey, MYSELF! I do know that this is only the beginning, but I also know that I can (and will) THRIVE!

At home with the flu

A week ago last Friday I came home from school feeling really bad, I had been for two days but had been ignoring it. I was about to go to the gym when in my typical whiny I don't want to go manner, I decided to focus on the fact that I felt feverish. I took my temp, it was 101.8. I guess that meant I was sick. Yay, no gym, my first thought! Then came that realization that I felt really bad, in other words now that I knew I had a fever, ignoring my symptoms was not an option anymore. So I got myself cleaned up and climbed into bed. On Sunday, I decided maybe I should go to urgent care. It had a 3 hrs wait every time I ventured up there so my wait was going to be for my own doctor. I had the flu. I knew that. I just needed to note to stay home from work. My doctor was just as busy (not available) so I toughed out urgent care, my fever had broken and I was told that I could go back on Wed...yeah I tried that. It didn't go so well.

On Wednesday, I managed a half a day's work.  I didn't have a fever but I couldn't stop coughing. I couldn't breath and in the meantime my face had broken out with cystic acne. Between the two, I needed antibiotics and a place to rest.  I was back at my own doctor on my way home from school. I left her office with a note and strict orders. Go back to your house, pack your PJs, your robe, and your toothbrush and go somewhere to get well, whether that means go to your mom's or head south doesn't matter, just go somewhere not stressful to get some quality rest. That's exactly what I did. Later that evening, despite the expense, I found myself getting off the plane in Memphis. I finally found myself finally feeling at home while I was recovering. The HBG took great care of me and by Friday night I was so ready to venture out of the house.

We went for Pho. Funny, with all the soup I had eaten in the past week I could still find a place for this warm bowl of noodles. We then found ourselves at the Evergreen Presbyterian Church to hear the Messiah. As wonderful as that was, it was about all I could handle and here it is Monday, and I am still spent. It was, however, just as I said, incredibly wonderful!

I flew home last night, into more snow and with a prayer that I wouldn't  get stuck in Atlanta. If they are going to cancel my flight, please let it be while I have a warm bed. I made it, landed in NY just as snow was starting and enjoyed a final day of recouping before the rat race begins again tomorrow.

Pho Saigon, Memphis, TN   FM 9+
This was a classic Pho shop. Wonderful, flavorful. definitely worth the stop!!! Cheap eats!!!

Memphis Symphony Orchestra and the Rhodes Choral Society FM 8.5+
The performance of the Messiah was wonderful, despite the Christmas portion of the score being a little less dynamic than it could have been. It was as if they got a pep talk at intermission because the 2nd half of the program was incredible! There were several soloists that transformed the work... Mary Wilson, Kyle Ferrill, Katie Clark, and Barrie Cooper

Young Aveneue Deli, Memphis, TN FM 9+
We stopped in to kill some time between dinner and the concert. It was a place I would've loved to hang out at for a bit, despite it being cavernous enough to make hearing your companion a bit difficult. It has a more than pedestrian tap list, actually, it's an incredible list, both tap and bottle. CRAFT BEER MUST!!!

A Soak, Scrub and a Rub: a journey to Hot Springs

A Soak, Scrub and a Rub: a journey to Hot Springs 

We started New Years off right by booking a spa day in Hot Springs NP, AR. We were trying to give the town another chance, our last visit was fun, but not quite the way we wanted to remember the place. The drive, which was about 2.5hrs, took us through some interesting farmland and small towns... the more I see the more I LOVE ARKANSAS! 

Our Spa treatment was wonderful, and was akin to a cleansing of the past year of heartache and a fresh way to start anew. However, there were things about it we didn't like. We ended the time in Hot Springs NP with a few games of pool, a burger and some wings. The night? It was just beginning. We rang in the New Year at the Legion, with more pool and lots of dancing. 

Quapaw Baths: (Spa treatment) FM 7

While the two of us loved the public soak we had back in July, the spa services were very expensive for what you were given and there was a lot of waiting around time on furniture that was less than comfortable. We were told the private soak would be 50 minutes only to find out that it was actually 20 minutes with a 30 min cool down before the massage and we were forced to sit in these little nooks that were not very conducive to relaxing. The massage and scrub were wonderful for me, yet for the HBG the masseuse seemed to be afraid to apply pressure or maybe just a bit distracted by her own life? We also didn't appreciate the way in which the tables were set, we couldn't see each other much less understand that we were enjoying our experience. We may as well have been in different rooms all together. 

3B's  FM 9

We left the pompous main street of Hot Springs NP to an enjoyable dinner and multiple games of pool. This place has tons of character! Located in a more NORMAL yet somewhat depressed neighborhood, and you get the feeling that you are walking into the wonderful neighborhood dive bar. The craft beer offerings were decent and the food was outrageous.  Dinner of 2 doz wings, burger, 4 beers and 4 games of pool, a mere 36. including the tip!  This place is a don't judge a book by its cover MUST visit if you are in the National Park.  

Loving the SOUTH again - Overton Square

I arrived in AR Christmas night and so far have been treated to a wonderfully relaxing few days filled with LOVE. We celebrated Christmas on the 26th with a meal of venison, salad, turnips and southern green beans.  We spent a nice post Christmas Saturday afternoon and early evening in Memphis. We found this small theater that had produced an incredible production of Peter Pan, something we watched together on TV a few weeks ago despite being 1200 miles apart. We went for dinner at Boscos Brewpub, which is the oldest brewpub in TN and then played pool at RP Billiards in East Memphis before heading back across the river to the Legion for more pool, live music and dancing. What an awesome way to spend any Saturday, especially a rainy one. 

Playhouse on the Square - FM rating 12+++ 

This little theatre was an incredible space and the cast, sets, production we saw filled that space to overflowing. This is a MUST see!!!

Boscos Brewing - FM rating 8

Overall the beer was ok ( some fantastic, some ehh... ) and the food edible in this classic brewpub in a tourist area. My favorite was the Alt, which was a seasonal German a style ale. 

RP Billards - FM rating 8.5 

We had fun here. Pool was $1.00 game or $8./hr. The beer on tap was somewhat pedestrian but they did have a few crafts. 

Minnie Pearl, buttermilk biscuits and mindfulness

In the past 6 months, as I navigate my new situation, I have spent a great deal of time soul searching. Mindfulness has been one of those things that I have really taken the time to develop, from meditating for an hour a day to dressing out an animal that I took the life to provide sustenance in the form of a wonderfully sexy meal.  In that time, the HBG and I have discussed family quite a bit. There is a soulfulness to our friendship that seems to remind each other of our grandmothers. My grandmother, Edith (MeMe) was a concert pianist, very much into the opera, classical music and art. His grandmother, I am told was this wonderful witty down to earth woman with an infectious personality who made these incredible buttermilk biscuits and never understood why he seemed to be attracted to girls from the Northeast. Here I am, a NYer (giggle). Somewhere in those discussions there was this quest to learn how to learn how to make biscuits. I cook a lot of things well, biscuits were something I really, really, really suck at. I mean show up at the table in goalie gear and a check for the dentist… ok, maybe not that bad, they were edible, but not flaky, and not anything like the biscuits I envisioned. My guru? He was so gracious and ate them anyway. I giggle because later that day he mentions that Minnie Pearl sifted her flour and used lard… I did not sift the flour and used butter. FAST FORWARD to tonight…

Tonight I made a very small pot of venison stew. It was just enough for dinner and to take for lunch. I would be the only one who would be eating tonight. I decided it needed some biscuits and I had some very nice leaf lard from the butcher in the fridge. I took out my own grandmother's favorite cookbook, found a recipe for buttermilk biscuits, and proceeded to make them. I thought about Minnie Pearl and what it might have been like to watch her make biscuits to learn from her. I thought about an encounter I witnessed my extremely impatient soon to be EX had with waiting in line at the mall. I told him that in he would never make it in the South, he would be ignored because of his behavior. There was no need for all that angst, it only invites more stress,  and not the results you would think. I told him to take that minute he has to wait and relish in the time he has been afforded to relax. What does what I had witnessed at the mall yesterday have to do with making biscuits? As I read that recipe, I found myself immediately making these steps in my brain on what had to be done and in what order at 10.000 mph. I was trying to rush the process, baking biscuits in a NY minute was not going to work. I had to "slow down". I did. I slowly went through the steps, followed the recipe to the T, sifting the flour 3X and remeasuring it, measuring the leaf lard using water displacement and the buttermilk with a fluid measuring cup. I thought about how when I learned to make bread correctly, it was a similar experience, slowing down and measuring/weighing exactly, the result was amazing. I rolled out the dough to 1/4 inch thick and cut the biscuits, placed them on a greased sheet, and brushed them with cream . The oven was very hot, 450 degrees and when I put them in to bake, it seemed like within minutes they were over an inch thick. Within 10 minutes I had these incredible, flaky, beautiful rounds that I could actually call biscuits and between my handmade bowl, the stew made from local ingredients and meat that I had procured myself, this meal was one of the most mindful parts of my day. I think I even feel Minnie Pearl's smile from heaven. I am beaming! I only wish the HBG could be here to taste them.

I guess I will just have to practice until then?

My holiday letter fitting for the feast of St. Lucia

I'm officially 50, shhhh don't tell anyone! My birthday celebration was 10 days long with the HBG being present for all of it and he made sure it was perfect! We went to the opera, ate at WoHop downstairs at 2AM, tooled around the village, visiting Greenwich House Pottery,  Bleeker Street Pizza, City Island, ate Oysters, went to the beach, and my kids threw me an incredible party, I spent Thanksgiving in Arkansas, picked Pecans, went to see the Christmas Story at the Orpheum, played pool in two states, got really wasted on moonshine, danced a lot, went to the Brooks Art Museum and this awesome steakhouse for dinner. Yes, I even had a sloppy version of messy sex for breakfast on my birthday (get your mind out of the gutter) before flying home first class (hey you only turn 50 once).
I am posting this letter dedicated to the HBG on the feast of St. Lucia in honor of our friendship for several reasons (some I care not to share). You see,  a few months ago we had a conversation about family heritage and traditions while discussing pierogi and how I came to know how to make them as well as my dislike of pork…except that I have been known to sneak kielbasa slices occasionally. My family is steeped in ethnic traditions, possibly because the intimate connection with Europe is still there. We are proud of both our Polish and German heritage. I learned how to polka before I was 8 and make pierogi, understand the complexities of sauerbraten (why my mom had a crock of pungent veal in the closet next to the cereal) and expected lebkuken, nuts and clementines in my stocking from the time I understood there was something to expect. I feel so fortunate that I have these traditions to hold onto. He on the other hand wishes he knew more about his Norwegian heritage. The feast of St. Lucia is big in Norway and since the Christmas dinner we have planned has taken on a Norwegian theme thanks to my favorite venison tenderloin recipe being Norwegian, I figured it was never to late to introduce someone to what they might expect. Yes I said Christmas dinner. I am sharing Wiligia (Christmas Eve) with my family at home and then after a brunch of Kielbasa, eggs, poppyseed bread and pierogis I will be headed to the airport with a few beautiful cuts of venison from my first deer frozen in my bag to spend the rest of my Christmas break in Arkansas. So on the menu, tenderloin of course, lefse, lingonberry, some kind of vegetable, a spinach salad and rice pudding (yes complete with the hidden almond - wink). The cocktail however will be German. I do like mulled wine, but can never get it to taste right so we will be having Hugos instead (perseco, st germain, and muddled mint).

 Learning to embrace traditions is only part of it, I am also dedicating this post to him in honor of his brother Tracey, who passed away a few days ago. In the past year I have learned about the importance of the relationship of siblings as I watched my children navigate their own pain as well as lean on each other while trying to figure out how to ease the pain I was experiencing. I have also realized how wonderfully insightful and important my brother is. While I never met Tracey, I felt this connection to him while watching the HBG navigate the journey of his last days.

I want to talk about my year and why the HBG has meant so much to me. Three years ago we spent a great deal of time together when our boys found themselves training together in Utah that summer and we lived with the same family. We were instant friends and talked quite frequently after that summer. Last year at this time I was getting the family ready to go to Utah to Olympic Trials, and I was so excited to have the opportunity to visit with him in person again. He joined us every day for the 10 day trip to support Chris and his effort to make the team. Shortly upon returning home, I learned that my home life as I knew it was going to change forever. My husband admitted to a double life and despite wanting to "work it out" he let me bend over backwards while he continued to play, with her. I had trouble sharing this with anyone really and became somewhat introverted. However, one day, the HBG called me to try to figure out why I was all of the sudden so distant. I broke down and cried on the phone as I was shopping for a date night dress that day in Macy's. I wanted to be sexy and beautiful, only I felt that I didn't know much about how to be a girl. He listened, as I told him what was going on, no input, just support. Then, he helped me find a dress. Over the next few months, he listened through my fear, heartache, anger, and frustration. He offered me weekend refuge when he knew I needed it. He encouraged me to believe I was beautiful, and sexy, which was something I was never told by my husband. He let me call him at 2:30 AM crying, he extended the most gentle, kind and considerate personality I have ever known from anyone. He was the one friend who ran pass interference from the start. He knew what I needed and took a risk by stepping up to help. He has seen me at my worst this year. He has helped me to find my best. My year was made manageable because of the love of a very good friend. He will forever be in my heart!!! I often feel like he has 1200 mile long arms!!!

My year has been both a challenge and a joy of firsts. I am not sure what my future single life will bring but I do know he will always be in it.

Things I am grateful for? My family, my friends (especially the HBG and his family who have welcomed me with a warm hug, wonderful hospitality, and beautiful smiles), and yes even for my soon to be ex (for releasing me from this mediocre life that I was trying to make the best of) Getting to know and love the South. A love of green tomato soup, boiled turnips and spinach salad. Learning to say PECAHHHN. Playing pool, jumping off cliffs and chasing brownies with a BUD. Having someone to share cultural things such as the opera with. Those BOOTS!

Firsts: a solo cross country drive, green tomato soup, killing and dressing a rabbit, killing and dressing a deer, learning and loving to wear dresses, real moonshine. loving myself!

OK for the FM ratings:

The Metropolitan Opera, Lincoln Center, NYC   FM rating 12+++
Everyone should get dressed up and go to the opera at this grande opera house at least once in their life.

WoHop downstairs- 17 Mott Street, NYC FM rating 10++
This is CLASSIC Chinese at its best. Late night crowded is the plus!

Bleeker Street Pizza - 69 7th Ave, NYC FM rating 10
Seating can be an issue as this place is tiny. Pizza is great!

Greenwich House Pottery FM 12+++
Ok this is an outstanding clay center need I say more?

Orpheum Theater Memphis FM rating 10++
Not a bad seat in the house and adult sippy cups

Brooks Museum of Art Memphis FM rating 9
Small and manageable

Majestic Steakhouse Memphis FM rating 8.5
food was great but is was a bit pretentious and expensive- sit at the bar!!!