the strength it has taken...

It has been 2.5 years since being blindsided by my ex and as excruciating as that day and weeks after were, the past month an a half, as I attempt to make peace with saying goodbye to one of the only places I have ever called home, I have found myself, at times, in that same excruciating place for very different reasons.
My year has been both exciting and painfully isolating. I have had much to do purging thirty years of living in the same place; 4 kids, lots of travel, need for visual stimulus, scholarly reading, not so scholarly reading and then there is my studio and art and antique collection. The ex moved out and left me with all this crap he didn't want, or maybe he did, but he didn't feel like dealing with it, then or now. The kids, spread all over the country at this point, have come and gone and gotten through their stuff in a piecemeal manner. The problem is however that whatever they didn't throw out is now on me too. Ans then there is my stuff and the artist look at the space I am moving to; one huge box does overwhelm a moderate box no matter how you slice it.
Sizing it up started in September when Joey asked me if I would consider moving. I went through the house.... I am taking my antiques, my studio and my art collection and my clothes. This became only one layer as we dug deeper. I have purged a bag or more and organized a box or more of stuff a day since September 28. I thought I moved 3 weeks ago. I have since woken up from that dream and found out that I still have stuff, too much stuff, and omg where the hell am I gonna put more stuff. I have found that my awakening is like a Bill Murray, proud of my Punxy roots, Groundhog skit  meets  George Carlin's version of what to do with your shit...
Then there is there the reality of all that. I am not mentally equipped to go through a constant life of purging and packing while enduring a new teaching assignment and relying on new colleagues as well as continuing to develop this wondrous relationship 1200 miles away. It was bound to happen. It first showed itself in January,  the consistent numbers were very high, 183/111. A few days off and a few changes of meds made it seem like I was out of the woods. In February, the numbers started creeping up with the packing. The numbers started creeping up with work stress. The numbers started creeping up! I reasoned it was just stress that it would go away. I reasoned that I would fix them though meditating. Essentially I ignored them. Essentially I ignored me! This is NOT COOL!
Then came crunch time, I felt like I was on this incredibly isolated island. I have this FT job that requires so much of my energy to even function. I have 30 years of nooks and crannies of papers and stuff and pure crap to go through by myself. We, Joey and I, have been dealing with the long distance LOVE OF OUR LIVES romance. Then, the separations, so incredibly difficult are often just put in a place where both of us can deal with them, despite being heartbreaking. My kids? OMG they are finally showing signs of being healthily upset about the loss of what they have known as family and the loss of the only place they have called home, and the prospect of Mom and Dad being Mom and Joey and Dad and Leigh...Then there is mom is gonna be in Arkansas... Yep, then numbers creeped up again, higher and higher with each adjustment of attitude (everyone involved).
Last week, the shit hit the fan. My BP was 178/115 and I was ordered to stay home for some time, not pack, not work, not do anything stressful. Joey came up, helped me with a lot of stuff, took me to look at art, made sure I ate right. He even extended his trip to make sure he could speak to my Doc. No easy answer, as stressed as I am, as hard as it is to do I am going to have to weather the storm.
The one thing I know about everything I have experienced is that the only way to deal with it has been to meditate, to acknowledge, and to have to most loving admiration for self. Then there is Joey...this man has had the patience of a saint and has shown me a love like the soul of the universe. I am not sure what the next few weeks will bring, but I know that come June 20 I will finally be home in his arms!!! This house? Who knows? Any offer over 290 considered!!!