Saturday, August 29, 2015

Dealing with a holding pattern...

To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life; foolish people are idle, wise people are diligent.

I'm struggling in my diligence! 

I was really angry last night. I visited a place in my soul that I didn't know existed. I hope I never see that place again. I wasn't just angry at my ex, he was just the trigger.  

I was angry about everything in my present life. I was angry about work. I know I expected to be overwhelmed but I'm overwhelmed beyond what I expected and I feel completely isolated-  I want to be positive, but yesterday I had the class from hell and it set a tone. I feel like I'm in some kind of weird prison.
I was angry about being here in NY, This doesn't feel like home anymore. My kids are grown and have their own lives and I'm picking up the pieces of this broken 30yr lie on my own. The progress is so slow that molasses has miles on it. 

I was angry about the temporary loss of intimate contact. How I went from holding the HBGs hand every day for two months to not being able to feel his touch or see his face in front of me. I was angry about the time apart. I was angry that seeing him means a great expense and effort. I was angry that I couldn't just hop on a plane last night. I was angry that I couldn't go to a place that feels like home for the weekend. 

I was angry about having to eat dinner alone, not because I hated being alone but because it was the first Friday night of the school year which used to be a night for martinis and oysters. I had nobody to share my week with like I have every year for the last 16.  I had to eat alone so I didn't eat. I couldn't bare to.

I was angry because my ex was going out with her. I don't have any feelings about him but I was angry that he could have the intimate contact at will. I was also angry that I couldn't intrude on him like he does on the HBG and I. I was angry that he wasn't eating alone on the first Friday night of the school year.

I was angry that I was so heavy and out of shape that I couldn't do part of that workout yesterday. I was angry that my muscles hurt so bad and I'm so tired and that I have to get on a bicycle this morning. 

Finally, I was angry about the house and how after all this time, 18 months, NOTHING HAS CHANGED and how I realized my ex doesn't care if we walk away empty handed . 
If we have no money to start out new life's with and a ton of debt, it will be fine with him. This made me even more angry about being stuck in NY! I could've walked away jobless and homeless and be in a place other than here. 

I woke up in the middle of the night dreaming that the bed was covered in thousands of love letters. When I came to and realized it was a dream I started crying.  I fell back to sleep but it was fitful. I dreamt that I was left at the airport. I woke up feeling really lost. 

I know I spent last night wallowing in self pity and doubt. I love myself but found myself questioning everything, including that love. I'm trying to pull myself back into center. Yes I'm approaching today as a new day, but I also know that I just shed some skin and things are kinda tender. 

This morning, I'm just trying to motivate my body to get on my bike for a few hours and to return to start cleaning my studio. I'm badly needing a hug so I might as well give myself one in the form of completing a long awaited task. 


Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.

Maya Angelou


Finally: 

Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything - anger, anxiety, or possessions - we cannot be free.







Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Waking up enlightened by my own spirit

"There's an old Indian saying, A mans soul can only travel as fast as his feet will carry him. Perhaps between here and home I'll catch up with myself." -Jerry Ellis 

Years ago I read the book Walking the Trail. I spent the summer living on part of that Trail of Tears, wondering if the ghosts of the trail understood my affect? 
I've spent the past few weeks slowly reading that book again, knowing how wonderful my life has become and understanding what I need to do to continue perpetuating the joy of my journey back to the artist life I once thrived on. I may be back in NY but my soul now has a clear direction and a means to that goal. I can't wait to get back home! If it's where my heart is, then that would be living a simple life, getting muddy with my best friend, in Arkansas.