if I had just a few minutes to catch up with my dad after 33 years... A Father's Day Post

 I was 17 when I lost my dad. I woke up this morning thinking about how my kids are  going to be interacting with their dad today. For some reason I found myself remembering the last fathers day I spent with mine and how much I have done since that I wish I could've shared with him.
So here goes:

Dear Dad,
Since you've been gone I have accomplished so much with my life. I have graduated from college and a graduate program and have taken almost 90 post grad credits. I wish I could tell you they were all towards a PhD but I cannot. You would be proud to know however that they were all towards things in my life that I was passionate about at the time.
I have been a studio artist, a teacher and a coach. I have spoken at conferences, won several awards and have exhibited my work as frequently as time would allow. I even coached one of your grandsons to Olympic Trials in the sport you loved to watch and follow almost as much as football. I have also ridden my bike about 50,000+ miles since you have been gone, mostly in the name of teaching my kids about charity.
Speaking of grandchildren, four of yours would be mine. The oldest, Justin,  is an artist and is about to get married, your granddaughter Anna is in health related retail and lives in Pa, Mikey is a Maine farmer and tremendous craftsman and Chris is a senior at the University of MN, he's your athlete. You would be so proud of all of them. I am also proud to be called Coici Lisa as Joe has two wonderful kids too.
My marriage didn't go so well. It stayed together for 28 years, but now a year and a half removed from the initial fallout I am realizing it pretty much sucked for a long while. Its sad, but I have learned so much in that past year and a half that I can honestly say I am moving beyond and forward. I have turned that tremendous corner. It has me excited for the future and scarily throwing caution to the wind. I am going forward with my head held high, looking nice, and smiling pretty for all the cameras of life.
My bucket list of goals have changed, they are far more about loving myself and finding direction in that rather then being stressed out and anxious trying to afford to live in the place I grew up in. I have decided that its time to stop trying to be an overachiever just to keep from drowning in the culture of the area. What it accomplishes isn't worth the headache it causes. I have spent more time hanging with friends and focussing on happiness and there is so much I wish I could show you about how it works. I think even at 85 you would be able to benefit from what I have learned about letting go.
In that process I have met someone that I know you would love. We are tremendous friends and have put that first, always. He is affectionate, intellectual, knows his way around a workshop, is a fantastic cook, is into culture and loves to dance. I have been finding myself down south in Arkansas almost as much as being here in NY this past year. I will be spending the whole summer there as well. We planted a medium sized garden in the spring, and he's been tending it, even picked our first peppers yesterday.

There is still not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. Happy Father's Day pops!
Love you!!!!

28 years, 10 days, 6 hours and 55 min and then it was done... and then we went to 121

Is it weird that I went to dinner with him after signing myself out of my married life?

I started my day yesterday with such determination. I had spent the past 3 weeks or so really on edge, I thought it was just the shoulder surgery and all the work that was piling up, only to realize the night before last that it was the notion that I was ending of one of the longest chapters I've ever engaged in that was bothering me. Its funny in a way, it was like one of those monotonous stories that you kinda wanted to put down but were afraid to. I was a complete wreck a few days before, like the Tasmanian Devil, gathering those who were trying to support me up into my tornado of anxiety. I had a major epiphany within that, and when I finally admitted in writing that one of my biggest fears in life was being forgotten and abandoned, my heart seemed to open up like it was the most beautiful bloom on the planet. I don't know where I learned this fear, I just remember having it since kindergarten. What I came to understand that day is that I knew why I married the man I did, I knew why I accepted a lack of affection, and I knew that what I have right now, is love, of myself.

Love of self was something that the HBG, you know my friend Joey,  showed me that I not only needed but I deserved and it was the only way I could extend love. I have experienced more love in the past 18 months that I have in my whole life. My epiphany? I finally understood what love really was. I also understood that as long as I held onto that fear of abandonment I would never fully experience it.

Two nights ago I decided to close the door on this marriage wearing a dress. I started the relationship loving wearing dresses, and I stopped because there to I was begging to be noticed. He never told me I looked nice, never told me I was pretty, never seemed happy that I was on his arm... then told me that one of the reasons he wanted to leave me was because I never made the effort to look nice for him... So yesterday I got my hair cut, put on a nice dress and brought along my favorite sketchbook pen... After everything was signed I ask him if he knew why I wore a dress and yes he questioned it. I told him I did it because I knew he wouldn't notice. It was my way of knowing that nothing had changed and that signing was not a mistake. He admitted he noticed but he didn't say anything. This was so typical and I found that I was no longer heartbroken by the lack of attention.

It seems strange, that we went out to dinner. I was planning on going out to eat but I decided to invite him along because I really didn't feel like going home and facing those new feelings in that box with a past. So we went to dinner, at the last place we had dinner as a couple on our anniversary two years ago. I introduced him to my friend that works there as my soon to be ex-husband and assigned him no other name. When we got home, he notices that there were bagels and a chocolate babka on the table and asked me why I had gone to his old neighborhood in the Bronx that day and got bagels and babka? DID YOU EVEN NOTICE MY HEAD? OMG THE DAY BEFORE YOU TOLD ME MY HAIR WAS GETTING LONG AND I  WENT AND GOT IT CUT!!! in the BRONX! Yes, no regrets I did the right thing. I promptly celebrated with a bourbon on the Shard Porch as I discussed the days events with Joey. Then I retreated to my room, never uttering another word to him.

I think in the end though, despite the fact that he said he had 6 years to be over our relationship, I was more prepared emotionally than he was. I have been working on myself for a grueling year and a half. I have learned how to love, how to except love, how to feel sexy, how to be beautiful. It is hard work, but so worth it. I came into this marriage not liking myself to much and accepting that I didn't deserve more than I was getting.  I have exited this marriage knowing that I love myself and deserve nothing less than the amount of love and attention I have given myself. Never again will I be with someone who doesn't appreciate what I appreciate about myself. I am a helpless romantic and expect nothing more than to be treated that way, no more phishing for it.

I woke this morning with a smile on my face, the type you have when your heart is light...I can't wait to see the HBG again.

121 Restaurant North Salem, NY                                                   FM Rating 10+ 
Choose from the bar menu or order clam pizza, these are must haves in this great place!  It gets crowded though so be prepared to wait.