where a year has taken me- the story I never really told

It was just about a year ago (Feb 7, 2014) during the opening ceremonies of the Olympics that the man I had married 28 years earlier had told me that he had something to tell me, and that thought he would loose me. He confessed to a double life, lets put it this way, he confessed to a very long and very fruitful, meaning more than one woman, life...I am not one to kiss and tell but the fact that I had to beg for any type of affection or affirmation for the last half dozen years suddenly made sense. So did the never wanting to travel with me, even when it was for the kids. Lets put it this way, this past year has been a journey of discoveries. While this whole story has been sad, a great deal of those discoveries have been wonderful.

Where has this year taken me? At first I was asked if we could work it out, the shock of the betrayal yet to sink in and then there was the unconditional love. I thought he was the love of my life. The interesting thing here, is that so many have told me there is no way they would forgive. All I can say is until you walk a day in my shoes, you have no idea. Everything I read said give it a year. I was willing to put 1000% in and I did, I spent hours toiling over making myself into this creature I was not (hair, nails, make-up,  among other things) and doing all this work on communication skills. The only problem was, I was still pleading and he was still playing, WITH HER. Six months after I agreed to work it out, I decided, when he stood me up at the airport so that he could go to a concert with her, that I was tired and finally giving up. I let him go. Funny thing, he seemed indifferent. WOW, I meant that little. That was an eye opener.

He had moved out briefly in April, I wish he had stayed out. I would be so much further along in the healing process. Though I think about this and know that I am probably better off with the way things have played out, mostly because there are lessons I have learned that have helped me tremendously by his refusal to leave.

I had forgiven him for awhile, that was until he refused to give up his other life. While I was wearing those rose colored lenses,  I had confided in a handful of friends that had varied opinions about what was going on. A half dozen of them have really been crucial to making this years journey about me and LESS about HIM. There is this one, however, that really stands out. His name is Joey.

Joey and I have been friends since the moment we met a few years ago while our boys were skating. He is one of those people that you could talk about anything with. When I called him a year ago to tell him what had happened, I told him that I just needed someone to listen, without opinion. He obliged and then he did something spectacular, he helped me try to figure out what I needed to do to "fix" my marriage, despite knowing in his heart that my husband was just dicking me around (*excuse me). Joey also kept trying desperately to get me to spend a weekend away, if only to give me respite from the grief he was watching unfold. I was so desperate. I was so not myself. Then he did the one thing that everyone wanted to do but couldn't figure out how to do. He ran pass interference, the kind that was akin to a rescue mission. I had planned on spending a solo 2 weeks away, deep in the woods, 5 miles off the grid. When that fell through, Joey got his uncle to offer his place at the lake. Joey convinced me to come, stay, decompress before school, and bring some clay. He rescued me from myself.

 I like to think of Joey as an extremely compassionate soul, the kind of friend that would let you call him crying or angry at 2:30 AM (boy has he seen that a few times). The guy that would let you sleep if you needed it, or make you a cup of tea if you needed that. The one thing that set him apart from everyone else, is that he understood that the one thing my husband had neglected, my self esteem. He told me I was pretty, gorgeous, sexy, a girly girl... all well before he ever held my hand, all while I was trying to compete with the other woman. He made sure to remind me of who I was, as he had always known me. He ran into the fire and pulled me out 1000X and quite honestly I know in my heart of hearts he would do it again. (Don't worry, I am so cognizant of how special that is that I won't/can't/don't abuse it. Our friendship means too much!)

What I have learned about me in this past year: I am this awesome, creative, ambitious, confident and compassionate woman. I am beautiful, sexy, and it is an honor to be loved by me. I have learned that meditation can change the world, the universe is amazing and that sometimes letting go of the pain, just nourishes your love. I have learned that there were a lot of things I gave of myself in the name of love that I had no right giving, and that there are a lot of things that I would never give up ever again. I have found the dignity and respect that I deserve within myself and if you love me, you won't ask me to sacrifice it. I learned true friends, are EVERYTHING!

So this is where I am a year out, choosing not to make an anniversary out of the negative but rather engage in a celebration of who I fell in love with on my journey, MYSELF! I do know that this is only the beginning, but I also know that I can (and will) THRIVE!