Last night the HBG and I had one of many heart to hearts about our relationship as it is right now, the changes on the horizon with me moving in with him half way across the country, and the stress of my moving half way across the country, leaving everything I have known for so long, for the adventure of a lifetime...No, the details are a bit too intimate for me to share, and quite honestly none of anyone's business but our own. I will say though, it left me thinking about a lot of things. About my own journey through my personality and memories, sorting out the nostalgia from the painful bits buried in my mind's landfill. You see, somewhere in my adult life I shelved a bit of growth to tend to others needs. While I am at peace with this because for the better part of 30 years this was my family, I am also finding myself somewhat playing a fast game of catch-up.
In the past three years my life has changed, in ways I could never have imagined. It is by far, much grander than it has ever been. I mean no offense to my children when I say that. It is just that I have found many things that I believed existed but that I did not know how to access. With that comes the tremendous growth that was needed to recognize and maintain those intrinsic values of love and happiness that we all search for. A few years ago, a marriage counselor told my ex and I that we would never treat our colleagues the way we treat each other and get away with it. I have held onto that. I accepted that I was part of the unraveling of that relationship and have since worked on those shortcomings of my own. What I have found is that I have this deep appreciation and love of self and can share it rather than to give. When I leave myself intact, I am so incredibly happy and not drained.
In the stress of leaving this place however, I have spent the last couple of weeks trying to hang on to normal, though moving is anything but. I haven't moved yet, but I have fallen into this got to get this done and do that when I get there routine...In retrospect, it has been a way to look forward, but maybe also to a way to run from here without giving myself the closure I know I will want. I know in the core of my being that this is just fear battling for the top billing I refuse to give it. What I have found in Joey is this compassionate soul who listens and takes a step back and then reels me in when I am about to get lost in my own way. I adore him for this. This is just one example of the true sense of love that I always believed existed.
This brings me to a poignant share that I saw on FB this morning. It was an opinion written in the NY Times on Sunday by Alain de Botton "Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person". At first I read the article with a bit of trepidation. After giving it a second look with the perspective of an open mind I realized what I had known for a long time. I did marry the wrong person, for a lot of the wrong reasons, everything listed in that article matter of fact. I got married young, I was afraid to be alone, I feared I would be passed over, I was seeking that "normal" family that I never had as a kid. Yes, when the good feelings were gone, I held on miserably and tried to reframe, only to lose him to someone else anyway, never understanding until recently that we were never really compatible because our relationship was not based on love and the respect that comes with it, it was based on a longing for happiness. What I also came away with from that reading is that the statement "Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition" has applied to Joey and I all along. We have been friends for what seems like forever, and in that cause, even to this very moment, have always been considerate of each other. This is because of our love for the other as a person, not as an objectified ideal. Our compatibility is something that seems to grow with us, as we share our hopes, fears, dreams, and personal needs for self preservation and growth. The congruity factor is based on compassion, respect, consideration ... all that is LOVE. We are entering into our adventure together from this point with the grand hopes that when we reach 102, we will still share and perpetuate that same JOY.
To comment on the reflections of my own self, it has taken me a great deal of work to get into the habit of allowing myself the delight and indulgence in the silliness. With all the demands to "grow up", maybe some of us have forgotten how to relax enough to enjoy the humor even in the most mondane moments and we find ourselves searching for that wonder we knew as kids. We have so much to be grateful for in our lives, stop and take that time to recognize those things with a whole and open heart. Be JOVIAL and that love of the universe and everything in it will follow!
Showing posts with label #selflove. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #selflove. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Saturday, July 11, 2015
It's Been One Incredible Year
It's July 11th and I'm sitting at the kitchen table in the HBG's house reflecting on the last few weeks and what we have done since I've gotten here for my summer stay. It's exactly one year since I showed up on his doorstep, and I marvel at how beautiful my year has been. What I really find incredible is how my daily experience is being driven by my work on learning to love myself. The HBG? My relationship with him is one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced in my life. He has taught me so much about slowing life down to the point of not running to or away from things but enjoying the now!
Since I have been here we have been to the Playhouse on the Square (FM 12+) to see the Gospel at Colonus. This was an incredible experience in such an intimate theatre space. One of our favorites.
We spent the evening in Memphis and from the theater we had dinner at Lafayettes (7) which, despite being listed as one of Memphis's up and coming hottest restaurants was a complete disappointment. It was for one, too loud (between sets). The portions were sparse and when our pizza was delivered with the incorrect toppings, pepperoni instead of crawfish (because the waiter could not hear us) we were offered what we thought was two free beers due to the increased wait only to find out when the check came that we were in fact charged for them. Essentially, this place was a bust.
We headed back downtown to our hotel. We stayed at the Hampton Inn on Beale for $65. with their points/money option. This hotel was actually a nice surprise and not quite as noisy as they make themselves out to be. From here we found ourselves wondering Beale looking for some good music, beers, and eventually settling on playing pool, which was a blast.
We listened to some music at Silky O'Sullivans (FM 8.5 ). We had a nice time here, making us wish we had actually eaten here rather than Lafayettes. Music was better, prices were better, and we would've eaten oysters instead of pizza.
We played pool at the Peoples Billiard Club (FM 9.5) This place had reasonable rates for its location and a pitcher option on craft beer. They allowed us to stay later (to finish up our beer) than the posted closing time and did not charge us for the extra 30 minutes. The guy running the place was very pleasant. We had a blast.
We had a late night meal at the Blues City Cafe (7) which despite the last time we dined here seemed to have lost something. The beef stew was not that great.
In the morning, we headed out to cure what the wounds from the night before...
Tamp and Tap (7) This was an overpriced and watered down coffee experience (both brewed and pour over). This place has a lot of potential but the brewed Ethiopian was watered down so much the taste was like more of brewed tea. The pour over expresso had too many pours to fill that small cup, it too was watery. I had to pay for jelly with my english muffin and despite ordering it with butter never got it. The fresh bakery goods (muffins) are Otis Spunkmeyer, not locally baked as you would hope, and cost a pretty penny.
Flying Fish (10++) THIS IS THE PLACE TO CURE WHAT AILS YOU!!! We have never had a bad meal either here or the Little Rock location and its hands down one of our favorite places to go. Get the protein platter and you will be amazed at how wonderful you feel after a dozen oysters and some grilled fish and veggies.
Where else have we been since I got here?
We spent July 4th in Little Rock, hoping to go to the Farmers Market, as we checked and rechecked the city calendar, only to arrive and find that their PoP's festival was the only thing going on that day. This wasn't the liveliest of street fairs for a city, but we made the best of our drive.
We ate lunch at Damnegood Pies (8) which is a brewpub. It was a nice escape from the heat, and the beer was decent enough. We enjoyed the home-brew contest winner's brew. The place had a local flavor.
We hit up a grocery and brought home some Lost 40 Pale Ale and had a sour at the Flying Saucer 9+) before heading home. This is another one of our favorite places, mostly because despite having a bit of that tourist feel to it, they have really outdone themselves with their selection of draught and bottles. The place reminds me quite a bit of the Blind Tiger in NYC.
On our way home we hit up Nick's BBQ in Carlisle (9+) which surprised us. It is so well advertised on 40 that we thought for sure it would be pedestrian BBQ. We were hungry and decided to try it anyway. It is well worth the stop. One of the best BBQ meals we have had in a while.
We have both spent a great deal of time in the studio making work. We have also gotten the bike running and on the road. This has been an incredible joy!
Up next? We are headed to Maine next week to see Mikey before spending Sunday with Justin and Hallie to celebrate their engagement. I can't wait to take Joey to Reds Eats, show him Watershed, go t the beach at Pemaquid, spend a night with Mikey at his new place in Portland, see Joey for lunch in Worcester, have pizza at Froggy's, and finally see Chris, Anna, James, and the rest of the family and friends as they celebrate Justin and Hallie's with a BBQ. I guess that means there will be more tales from the road coming up!!!
Tales from around town soon too (we possibly found one of the greatest pottery collections...)
Since I have been here we have been to the Playhouse on the Square (FM 12+) to see the Gospel at Colonus. This was an incredible experience in such an intimate theatre space. One of our favorites.
We spent the evening in Memphis and from the theater we had dinner at Lafayettes (7) which, despite being listed as one of Memphis's up and coming hottest restaurants was a complete disappointment. It was for one, too loud (between sets). The portions were sparse and when our pizza was delivered with the incorrect toppings, pepperoni instead of crawfish (because the waiter could not hear us) we were offered what we thought was two free beers due to the increased wait only to find out when the check came that we were in fact charged for them. Essentially, this place was a bust.
We headed back downtown to our hotel. We stayed at the Hampton Inn on Beale for $65. with their points/money option. This hotel was actually a nice surprise and not quite as noisy as they make themselves out to be. From here we found ourselves wondering Beale looking for some good music, beers, and eventually settling on playing pool, which was a blast.
We listened to some music at Silky O'Sullivans (FM 8.5 ). We had a nice time here, making us wish we had actually eaten here rather than Lafayettes. Music was better, prices were better, and we would've eaten oysters instead of pizza.
We played pool at the Peoples Billiard Club (FM 9.5) This place had reasonable rates for its location and a pitcher option on craft beer. They allowed us to stay later (to finish up our beer) than the posted closing time and did not charge us for the extra 30 minutes. The guy running the place was very pleasant. We had a blast.
We had a late night meal at the Blues City Cafe (7) which despite the last time we dined here seemed to have lost something. The beef stew was not that great.
In the morning, we headed out to cure what the wounds from the night before...
Tamp and Tap (7) This was an overpriced and watered down coffee experience (both brewed and pour over). This place has a lot of potential but the brewed Ethiopian was watered down so much the taste was like more of brewed tea. The pour over expresso had too many pours to fill that small cup, it too was watery. I had to pay for jelly with my english muffin and despite ordering it with butter never got it. The fresh bakery goods (muffins) are Otis Spunkmeyer, not locally baked as you would hope, and cost a pretty penny.
Flying Fish (10++) THIS IS THE PLACE TO CURE WHAT AILS YOU!!! We have never had a bad meal either here or the Little Rock location and its hands down one of our favorite places to go. Get the protein platter and you will be amazed at how wonderful you feel after a dozen oysters and some grilled fish and veggies.
Where else have we been since I got here?
We spent July 4th in Little Rock, hoping to go to the Farmers Market, as we checked and rechecked the city calendar, only to arrive and find that their PoP's festival was the only thing going on that day. This wasn't the liveliest of street fairs for a city, but we made the best of our drive.
We ate lunch at Damnegood Pies (8) which is a brewpub. It was a nice escape from the heat, and the beer was decent enough. We enjoyed the home-brew contest winner's brew. The place had a local flavor.
We hit up a grocery and brought home some Lost 40 Pale Ale and had a sour at the Flying Saucer 9+) before heading home. This is another one of our favorite places, mostly because despite having a bit of that tourist feel to it, they have really outdone themselves with their selection of draught and bottles. The place reminds me quite a bit of the Blind Tiger in NYC.
On our way home we hit up Nick's BBQ in Carlisle (9+) which surprised us. It is so well advertised on 40 that we thought for sure it would be pedestrian BBQ. We were hungry and decided to try it anyway. It is well worth the stop. One of the best BBQ meals we have had in a while.
We have both spent a great deal of time in the studio making work. We have also gotten the bike running and on the road. This has been an incredible joy!
Up next? We are headed to Maine next week to see Mikey before spending Sunday with Justin and Hallie to celebrate their engagement. I can't wait to take Joey to Reds Eats, show him Watershed, go t the beach at Pemaquid, spend a night with Mikey at his new place in Portland, see Joey for lunch in Worcester, have pizza at Froggy's, and finally see Chris, Anna, James, and the rest of the family and friends as they celebrate Justin and Hallie's with a BBQ. I guess that means there will be more tales from the road coming up!!!
Tales from around town soon too (we possibly found one of the greatest pottery collections...)
Monday, February 9, 2015
where a year has taken me- the story I never really told
It was just about a year ago (Feb 7, 2014) during the opening ceremonies of the Olympics that the man I had married 28 years earlier had told me that he had something to tell me, and that thought he would loose me. He confessed to a double life, lets put it this way, he confessed to a very long and very fruitful, meaning more than one woman, life...I am not one to kiss and tell but the fact that I had to beg for any type of affection or affirmation for the last half dozen years suddenly made sense. So did the never wanting to travel with me, even when it was for the kids. Lets put it this way, this past year has been a journey of discoveries. While this whole story has been sad, a great deal of those discoveries have been wonderful.
Where has this year taken me? At first I was asked if we could work it out, the shock of the betrayal yet to sink in and then there was the unconditional love. I thought he was the love of my life. The interesting thing here, is that so many have told me there is no way they would forgive. All I can say is until you walk a day in my shoes, you have no idea. Everything I read said give it a year. I was willing to put 1000% in and I did, I spent hours toiling over making myself into this creature I was not (hair, nails, make-up, among other things) and doing all this work on communication skills. The only problem was, I was still pleading and he was still playing, WITH HER. Six months after I agreed to work it out, I decided, when he stood me up at the airport so that he could go to a concert with her, that I was tired and finally giving up. I let him go. Funny thing, he seemed indifferent. WOW, I meant that little. That was an eye opener.
He had moved out briefly in April, I wish he had stayed out. I would be so much further along in the healing process. Though I think about this and know that I am probably better off with the way things have played out, mostly because there are lessons I have learned that have helped me tremendously by his refusal to leave.
I had forgiven him for awhile, that was until he refused to give up his other life. While I was wearing those rose colored lenses, I had confided in a handful of friends that had varied opinions about what was going on. A half dozen of them have really been crucial to making this years journey about me and LESS about HIM. There is this one, however, that really stands out. His name is Joey.
Joey and I have been friends since the moment we met a few years ago while our boys were skating. He is one of those people that you could talk about anything with. When I called him a year ago to tell him what had happened, I told him that I just needed someone to listen, without opinion. He obliged and then he did something spectacular, he helped me try to figure out what I needed to do to "fix" my marriage, despite knowing in his heart that my husband was just dicking me around (*excuse me). Joey also kept trying desperately to get me to spend a weekend away, if only to give me respite from the grief he was watching unfold. I was so desperate. I was so not myself. Then he did the one thing that everyone wanted to do but couldn't figure out how to do. He ran pass interference, the kind that was akin to a rescue mission. I had planned on spending a solo 2 weeks away, deep in the woods, 5 miles off the grid. When that fell through, Joey got his uncle to offer his place at the lake. Joey convinced me to come, stay, decompress before school, and bring some clay. He rescued me from myself.
I like to think of Joey as an extremely compassionate soul, the kind of friend that would let you call him crying or angry at 2:30 AM (boy has he seen that a few times). The guy that would let you sleep if you needed it, or make you a cup of tea if you needed that. The one thing that set him apart from everyone else, is that he understood that the one thing my husband had neglected, my self esteem. He told me I was pretty, gorgeous, sexy, a girly girl... all well before he ever held my hand, all while I was trying to compete with the other woman. He made sure to remind me of who I was, as he had always known me. He ran into the fire and pulled me out 1000X and quite honestly I know in my heart of hearts he would do it again. (Don't worry, I am so cognizant of how special that is that I won't/can't/don't abuse it. Our friendship means too much!)
What I have learned about me in this past year: I am this awesome, creative, ambitious, confident and compassionate woman. I am beautiful, sexy, and it is an honor to be loved by me. I have learned that meditation can change the world, the universe is amazing and that sometimes letting go of the pain, just nourishes your love. I have learned that there were a lot of things I gave of myself in the name of love that I had no right giving, and that there are a lot of things that I would never give up ever again. I have found the dignity and respect that I deserve within myself and if you love me, you won't ask me to sacrifice it. I learned true friends, are EVERYTHING!
So this is where I am a year out, choosing not to make an anniversary out of the negative but rather engage in a celebration of who I fell in love with on my journey, MYSELF! I do know that this is only the beginning, but I also know that I can (and will) THRIVE!
Where has this year taken me? At first I was asked if we could work it out, the shock of the betrayal yet to sink in and then there was the unconditional love. I thought he was the love of my life. The interesting thing here, is that so many have told me there is no way they would forgive. All I can say is until you walk a day in my shoes, you have no idea. Everything I read said give it a year. I was willing to put 1000% in and I did, I spent hours toiling over making myself into this creature I was not (hair, nails, make-up, among other things) and doing all this work on communication skills. The only problem was, I was still pleading and he was still playing, WITH HER. Six months after I agreed to work it out, I decided, when he stood me up at the airport so that he could go to a concert with her, that I was tired and finally giving up. I let him go. Funny thing, he seemed indifferent. WOW, I meant that little. That was an eye opener.
He had moved out briefly in April, I wish he had stayed out. I would be so much further along in the healing process. Though I think about this and know that I am probably better off with the way things have played out, mostly because there are lessons I have learned that have helped me tremendously by his refusal to leave.
I had forgiven him for awhile, that was until he refused to give up his other life. While I was wearing those rose colored lenses, I had confided in a handful of friends that had varied opinions about what was going on. A half dozen of them have really been crucial to making this years journey about me and LESS about HIM. There is this one, however, that really stands out. His name is Joey.
Joey and I have been friends since the moment we met a few years ago while our boys were skating. He is one of those people that you could talk about anything with. When I called him a year ago to tell him what had happened, I told him that I just needed someone to listen, without opinion. He obliged and then he did something spectacular, he helped me try to figure out what I needed to do to "fix" my marriage, despite knowing in his heart that my husband was just dicking me around (*excuse me). Joey also kept trying desperately to get me to spend a weekend away, if only to give me respite from the grief he was watching unfold. I was so desperate. I was so not myself. Then he did the one thing that everyone wanted to do but couldn't figure out how to do. He ran pass interference, the kind that was akin to a rescue mission. I had planned on spending a solo 2 weeks away, deep in the woods, 5 miles off the grid. When that fell through, Joey got his uncle to offer his place at the lake. Joey convinced me to come, stay, decompress before school, and bring some clay. He rescued me from myself.
I like to think of Joey as an extremely compassionate soul, the kind of friend that would let you call him crying or angry at 2:30 AM (boy has he seen that a few times). The guy that would let you sleep if you needed it, or make you a cup of tea if you needed that. The one thing that set him apart from everyone else, is that he understood that the one thing my husband had neglected, my self esteem. He told me I was pretty, gorgeous, sexy, a girly girl... all well before he ever held my hand, all while I was trying to compete with the other woman. He made sure to remind me of who I was, as he had always known me. He ran into the fire and pulled me out 1000X and quite honestly I know in my heart of hearts he would do it again. (Don't worry, I am so cognizant of how special that is that I won't/can't/don't abuse it. Our friendship means too much!)
What I have learned about me in this past year: I am this awesome, creative, ambitious, confident and compassionate woman. I am beautiful, sexy, and it is an honor to be loved by me. I have learned that meditation can change the world, the universe is amazing and that sometimes letting go of the pain, just nourishes your love. I have learned that there were a lot of things I gave of myself in the name of love that I had no right giving, and that there are a lot of things that I would never give up ever again. I have found the dignity and respect that I deserve within myself and if you love me, you won't ask me to sacrifice it. I learned true friends, are EVERYTHING!
So this is where I am a year out, choosing not to make an anniversary out of the negative but rather engage in a celebration of who I fell in love with on my journey, MYSELF! I do know that this is only the beginning, but I also know that I can (and will) THRIVE!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)