"Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition" ALAIN de BOTTON and my opinion of an opinion

Last night the HBG and I had one of many heart to hearts about our relationship as it is right now, the changes on the horizon with me moving in with him half way across the country, and the stress of my moving half way across the country, leaving everything I have known for so long, for the adventure of a lifetime...No, the details are a bit too intimate for me to share, and quite honestly none of anyone's business but our own. I will say though, it left me thinking about a lot of things. About my own journey through my personality and memories, sorting out the nostalgia from the painful bits buried in my mind's landfill. You see, somewhere in my adult life I shelved a bit of growth to tend to others needs. While I am at peace with this because for the better part of 30 years this was my family,  I am also  finding myself somewhat playing a fast game of catch-up. 
In the past three years my life has changed, in ways I could never have imagined. It is by far, much grander than it has ever been. I mean no offense to my children when I say that. It is just that I have found many things that I believed existed but that I did not know how to access. With that comes the tremendous growth that was needed to recognize and maintain those intrinsic values of love and happiness that we all search for. A few years ago, a marriage counselor told my ex and I that we would never treat our colleagues the way we treat each other and get away with it. I have held onto that. I accepted that I was part of the unraveling of that relationship and have since worked on those shortcomings of my own. What I have found is that I have this deep appreciation and love of self and can share it rather than to give. When I leave myself intact, I am so incredibly happy and not drained.
In the stress of leaving this place however,  I have spent the last couple of weeks trying to hang on to normal, though moving is anything but. I haven't moved yet, but I have fallen into this got to get this done and do that when I get there routine...In retrospect, it has been a way to look forward, but maybe also to a way to run from here without giving myself the closure I know I will want. I know in the core of my being that this is just fear battling for the top billing I refuse to give it. What I have found in Joey is this compassionate soul who listens and takes a step back and then reels me in when I am about to get lost in my own way. I adore him for this. This is just one example of the true sense of love that I always believed existed.
This brings me to a poignant share that I saw on FB this morning. It was an opinion written in the NY Times on Sunday by Alain de Botton "Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person". At first I read the article with a bit of trepidation. After giving it a second look with the perspective of an open mind I realized what I had known for a long time. I did marry the wrong person, for a lot of the wrong reasons, everything listed in that article matter of fact. I got married young, I was afraid to be alone, I feared I would be passed over, I was seeking that "normal" family that I never had as a kid. Yes, when the good feelings were gone, I held on miserably and tried to reframe, only to lose him to someone else anyway, never understanding until recently that we were never really compatible because our relationship was not based on love and the respect that comes with it, it was based on a longing for happiness. What I also came away with from that reading is that the statement "Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition" has applied to Joey and I all along.  We have been friends for what seems like forever,  and in that cause, even to this very moment, have always been considerate of each other. This is because of our love for the other as a person, not as an objectified ideal. Our compatibility is something that seems to grow with us, as we share our hopes, fears, dreams, and personal needs for self preservation and growth. The congruity factor is based on compassion, respect, consideration ... all that is LOVE. We are entering into our adventure together from this point with the grand hopes that when we reach 102, we will still share and perpetuate that same JOY.
To comment on the reflections of my own self, it has taken me a great deal of work to get into the habit of allowing myself the delight and indulgence in the silliness. With all the demands to "grow up", maybe some of us have forgotten how to relax enough to enjoy the humor even in the most mondane moments and we find ourselves searching for that wonder we knew as kids. We have so much to be grateful for in our lives, stop and take that time to recognize those things with a whole and open heart. Be JOVIAL and that love of the universe and everything in it will follow!

Address unknown? PROTEST POINT!!!

I thought long and hard about writing about this. I was thinking that an official rant would make me feel better, let me purge the frustration, the anger, etc... but there is was thing that I am being cautious about, not to protect the privacy of those involved (cough), but because I found a serious flaw in how one of our basic fundamentals of communication works, and because I didn't bring it upon myself, I can't fix it. I basically now understand why identity theft is such a concern here, as I found the weak link. It is the postal service and how they handle address changes. TSA requires more to get on a plane than the postal service does to change your address. So while I am being the responsible person, trying to find out when and how to go about forwarding my mail to my new home next month, I am going to leave you with this... someone (who will remain unnamed) was able to do that for me, only he forwarded my mail to the OTHER WOMAN, his new woman..., and the PO won't let me undo it because I didn't create the order. I have to wait 2 weeks to open an investigation and the only recourse I have would be to contact anyone and everyone that would be sending me snail mail and have them change my name to something other... ! WAIT? WHAT?  I had been doing that anyway, but in the slow, calculated way that you would handle a good puzzle, thinking about how one step will affect the next.  BTW it was my bank manager that encouraged me to consider that! He told me to consider this as a process, with very specific steps that have an order to them and if that order is mis-stepped at any point in the chain, regaining the ground can be more than tedious. Pete, my rant is done, and now I feel better and that was yesterday so I am officially moving on and letting it go!!!

Just one more thing? What are the chances the PO will pay my late fees?

the strength it has taken...

It has been 2.5 years since being blindsided by my ex and as excruciating as that day and weeks after were, the past month an a half, as I attempt to make peace with saying goodbye to one of the only places I have ever called home, I have found myself, at times, in that same excruciating place for very different reasons.
My year has been both exciting and painfully isolating. I have had much to do purging thirty years of living in the same place; 4 kids, lots of travel, need for visual stimulus, scholarly reading, not so scholarly reading and then there is my studio and art and antique collection. The ex moved out and left me with all this crap he didn't want, or maybe he did, but he didn't feel like dealing with it, then or now. The kids, spread all over the country at this point, have come and gone and gotten through their stuff in a piecemeal manner. The problem is however that whatever they didn't throw out is now on me too. Ans then there is my stuff and the artist look at the space I am moving to; one huge box does overwhelm a moderate box no matter how you slice it.
Sizing it up started in September when Joey asked me if I would consider moving. I went through the house.... I am taking my antiques, my studio and my art collection and my clothes. This became only one layer as we dug deeper. I have purged a bag or more and organized a box or more of stuff a day since September 28. I thought I moved 3 weeks ago. I have since woken up from that dream and found out that I still have stuff, too much stuff, and omg where the hell am I gonna put more stuff. I have found that my awakening is like a Bill Murray, proud of my Punxy roots, Groundhog skit  meets  George Carlin's version of what to do with your shit...
Then there is there the reality of all that. I am not mentally equipped to go through a constant life of purging and packing while enduring a new teaching assignment and relying on new colleagues as well as continuing to develop this wondrous relationship 1200 miles away. It was bound to happen. It first showed itself in January,  the consistent numbers were very high, 183/111. A few days off and a few changes of meds made it seem like I was out of the woods. In February, the numbers started creeping up with the packing. The numbers started creeping up with work stress. The numbers started creeping up! I reasoned it was just stress that it would go away. I reasoned that I would fix them though meditating. Essentially I ignored them. Essentially I ignored me! This is NOT COOL!
Then came crunch time, I felt like I was on this incredibly isolated island. I have this FT job that requires so much of my energy to even function. I have 30 years of nooks and crannies of papers and stuff and pure crap to go through by myself. We, Joey and I, have been dealing with the long distance LOVE OF OUR LIVES romance. Then, the separations, so incredibly difficult are often just put in a place where both of us can deal with them, despite being heartbreaking. My kids? OMG they are finally showing signs of being healthily upset about the loss of what they have known as family and the loss of the only place they have called home, and the prospect of Mom and Dad being Mom and Joey and Dad and Leigh...Then there is mom is gonna be in Arkansas... Yep, then numbers creeped up again, higher and higher with each adjustment of attitude (everyone involved).
Last week, the shit hit the fan. My BP was 178/115 and I was ordered to stay home for some time, not pack, not work, not do anything stressful. Joey came up, helped me with a lot of stuff, took me to look at art, made sure I ate right. He even extended his trip to make sure he could speak to my Doc. No easy answer, as stressed as I am, as hard as it is to do I am going to have to weather the storm.
The one thing I know about everything I have experienced is that the only way to deal with it has been to meditate, to acknowledge, and to have to most loving admiration for self. Then there is Joey...this man has had the patience of a saint and has shown me a love like the soul of the universe. I am not sure what the next few weeks will bring, but I know that come June 20 I will finally be home in his arms!!! This house? Who knows? Any offer over 290 considered!!!

Dealing with a holding pattern...

To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life; foolish people are idle, wise people are diligent.

I'm struggling in my diligence! 

I was really angry last night. I visited a place in my soul that I didn't know existed. I hope I never see that place again. I wasn't just angry at my ex, he was just the trigger.  

I was angry about everything in my present life. I was angry about work. I know I expected to be overwhelmed but I'm overwhelmed beyond what I expected and I feel completely isolated-  I want to be positive, but yesterday I had the class from hell and it set a tone. I feel like I'm in some kind of weird prison.
I was angry about being here in NY, This doesn't feel like home anymore. My kids are grown and have their own lives and I'm picking up the pieces of this broken 30yr lie on my own. The progress is so slow that molasses has miles on it. 

I was angry about the temporary loss of intimate contact. How I went from holding the HBGs hand every day for two months to not being able to feel his touch or see his face in front of me. I was angry about the time apart. I was angry that seeing him means a great expense and effort. I was angry that I couldn't just hop on a plane last night. I was angry that I couldn't go to a place that feels like home for the weekend. 

I was angry about having to eat dinner alone, not because I hated being alone but because it was the first Friday night of the school year which used to be a night for martinis and oysters. I had nobody to share my week with like I have every year for the last 16.  I had to eat alone so I didn't eat. I couldn't bare to.

I was angry because my ex was going out with her. I don't have any feelings about him but I was angry that he could have the intimate contact at will. I was also angry that I couldn't intrude on him like he does on the HBG and I. I was angry that he wasn't eating alone on the first Friday night of the school year.

I was angry that I was so heavy and out of shape that I couldn't do part of that workout yesterday. I was angry that my muscles hurt so bad and I'm so tired and that I have to get on a bicycle this morning. 

Finally, I was angry about the house and how after all this time, 18 months, NOTHING HAS CHANGED and how I realized my ex doesn't care if we walk away empty handed . If we have no money to start out new life's with and a ton of debt, it will be fine with him. This made me even more angry about being stuck in NY! I could've walked away jobless and homeless and be in a place other than here. 

I woke up in the middle of the night dreaming that the bed was covered in thousands of love letters. When I came to and realized it was a dream I started crying.  I fell back to sleep but it was fitful. I dreamt that I was left at the airport. I woke up feeling really lost. 

I know I spent last night wallowing in self pity and doubt. I love myself but found myself questioning everything, including that love. I'm trying to pull myself back into center. Yes I'm approaching today as a new day, but I also know that I just shed some skin and things are kinda tender. 

This morning, I'm just trying to motivate my body to get on my bike for a few hours and to return to start cleaning my studio. I'm badly needing a hug so I might as well give myself one in the form of completing a long awaited task. 

Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.

Maya Angelou

Finally: 

Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything - anger, anxiety, or possessions - we cannot be free.

Thích Nhất Hạnh

Sent from my iPhone

Waking up enlightened by my own spirit

"There's an old Indian saying, A mans soul can only travel as fast as his feet will carry him. Perhaps between here and home I'll catch up with myself." -Jerry Ellis 

Years ago I read the book Walking the Trail. I spent the summer living on part of that Trail of Tears, wondering if the ghosts of the trail understood my affect? 

I've spent the past few weeks slowly reading that book again, knowing how wonderful my life has become and understanding what I need to do to continue perpetuating the joy of my journey back to the artist life I once thrived on. I may be back in NY but my soul now has a clear direction and a means to that goal. I can't wait to get back home! If it's where my heart is, then that would be living a simple life, getting muddy with my best friend, in Arkansas. 

It's Been One Incredible Year

It's July 11th and I'm sitting at the kitchen table in the HBG's house reflecting on the last few weeks and what we have done since I've gotten here for my summer stay. It's exactly one year since I showed up on his doorstep, and I marvel at how beautiful my year has been. What I really find incredible is how my daily experience is being driven by my work on learning to love myself. The HBG? My relationship with him is one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced in my life. He has taught me so much about slowing life down to the point of not running to or away from things but enjoying the now!

Since I have been here we have been to the Playhouse on the Square (FM 12+) to see the Gospel at Colonus. This was an incredible experience in such an intimate theatre space. One of our favorites.

We spent the evening in Memphis and from the theater we had dinner at Lafayettes (7) which, despite being listed as one of Memphis's up and coming hottest restaurants was a complete disappointment. It was for one, too loud (between sets). The portions were sparse and when our pizza was delivered with the incorrect toppings, pepperoni instead of crawfish (because the waiter could not hear us) we were offered what we thought was two free beers due to the increased wait only to find out when the check came that we were in fact charged for them. Essentially, this place was a bust.

We headed back downtown to our hotel. We stayed at the Hampton Inn on Beale for $65. with their points/money option. This hotel was actually a nice surprise and not quite as noisy as they make themselves out to be. From here we found ourselves wondering Beale looking for some good music, beers, and eventually settling on playing pool, which was a blast.

We listened to some music at Silky O'Sullivans (FM 8.5 ). We had a nice time here, making us wish we had actually eaten here rather than Lafayettes. Music was better, prices were better, and we would've eaten oysters instead of pizza.

We played pool at the Peoples Billiard Club  (FM 9.5) This place had reasonable rates for its location and a pitcher option on craft beer. They allowed us to stay later (to finish up our beer) than the posted closing time and did not charge us for the extra 30 minutes. The guy running the place was very pleasant. We had a blast.

We had a late night meal at the Blues City Cafe (7) which despite the last time we dined here seemed to have lost something. The beef stew was not that great.

In the morning, we headed out to cure what the wounds from the night before...

Tamp and Tap (7) This was an overpriced and watered down coffee experience (both brewed and pour over). This place has a lot of potential but the brewed Ethiopian was watered down so much the taste was like more of brewed tea. The pour over expresso had too many pours to fill that small cup, it too was watery. I had to pay for jelly with my english muffin and despite ordering it with butter never got it. The fresh bakery goods (muffins) are Otis Spunkmeyer, not locally baked as you would hope, and cost a pretty penny.

Flying Fish (10++) THIS IS THE PLACE TO CURE WHAT AILS YOU!!! We have never had a bad meal either here or the Little Rock location and its hands down one of our favorite places to go. Get the protein platter and you will be amazed at how wonderful you feel after a dozen oysters and some grilled fish and veggies.

Where else have we been since I got here?

We spent July 4th in Little Rock, hoping to go to the Farmers Market, as we checked and rechecked the city calendar, only to arrive and find that their PoP's festival was the only thing going on that day. This wasn't the liveliest of street fairs for a city, but we made the best of our drive.

We ate lunch at Damnegood Pies (8) which is a brewpub. It was a nice escape from the heat, and the beer was decent enough. We enjoyed the home-brew contest winner's brew. The place had a local flavor.

We hit up a grocery and brought home some Lost 40 Pale Ale and had a sour at the Flying Saucer  9+) before heading home. This is another one of our favorite places, mostly because despite having a bit of that tourist feel to it, they have really outdone themselves with their selection of draught and bottles. The place reminds me quite a bit of the Blind Tiger in NYC.

On our way home we hit up Nick's BBQ in Carlisle (9+) which surprised us. It is so well advertised on 40 that we thought for sure it would be pedestrian BBQ. We were hungry and decided to try it anyway. It is well worth the stop. One of the best BBQ meals we have had in a while.

We have both spent a great deal of time in the studio making work. We have also gotten the bike running and on the road. This has been an incredible joy!

Up next? We are headed to Maine next week to see Mikey before spending Sunday with Justin and Hallie to celebrate their engagement. I can't wait to take Joey to Reds Eats, show him Watershed, go t the beach at Pemaquid, spend a night with Mikey at his new place in Portland, see Joey for lunch in Worcester, have pizza at Froggy's, and finally see Chris, Anna, James, and the rest of the family and friends as they celebrate Justin and Hallie's with a BBQ. I guess that means there will be more tales from the road coming up!!!

Tales from around town soon too (we possibly found one of the greatest pottery collections...)

if I had just a few minutes to catch up with my dad after 33 years... A Father's Day Post

 I was 17 when I lost my dad. I woke up this morning thinking about how my kids are  going to be interacting with their dad today. For some reason I found myself remembering the last fathers day I spent with mine and how much I have done since that I wish I could've shared with him.
So here goes:

Dear Dad,
Since you've been gone I have accomplished so much with my life. I have graduated from college and a graduate program and have taken almost 90 post grad credits. I wish I could tell you they were all towards a PhD but I cannot. You would be proud to know however that they were all towards things in my life that I was passionate about at the time.
I have been a studio artist, a teacher and a coach. I have spoken at conferences, won several awards and have exhibited my work as frequently as time would allow. I even coached one of your grandsons to Olympic Trials in the sport you loved to watch and follow almost as much as football. I have also ridden my bike about 50,000+ miles since you have been gone, mostly in the name of teaching my kids about charity.
Speaking of grandchildren, four of yours would be mine. The oldest, Justin,  is an artist and is about to get married, your granddaughter Anna is in health related retail and lives in Pa, Mikey is a Maine farmer and tremendous craftsman and Chris is a senior at the University of MN, he's your athlete. You would be so proud of all of them. I am also proud to be called Coici Lisa as Joe has two wonderful kids too.
My marriage didn't go so well. It stayed together for 28 years, but now a year and a half removed from the initial fallout I am realizing it pretty much sucked for a long while. Its sad, but I have learned so much in that past year and a half that I can honestly say I am moving beyond and forward. I have turned that tremendous corner. It has me excited for the future and scarily throwing caution to the wind. I am going forward with my head held high, looking nice, and smiling pretty for all the cameras of life.
My bucket list of goals have changed, they are far more about loving myself and finding direction in that rather then being stressed out and anxious trying to afford to live in the place I grew up in. I have decided that its time to stop trying to be an overachiever just to keep from drowning in the culture of the area. What it accomplishes isn't worth the headache it causes. I have spent more time hanging with friends and focussing on happiness and there is so much I wish I could show you about how it works. I think even at 85 you would be able to benefit from what I have learned about letting go.
In that process I have met someone that I know you would love. We are tremendous friends and have put that first, always. He is affectionate, intellectual, knows his way around a workshop, is a fantastic cook, is into culture and loves to dance. I have been finding myself down south in Arkansas almost as much as being here in NY this past year. I will be spending the whole summer there as well. We planted a medium sized garden in the spring, and he's been tending it, even picked our first peppers yesterday.

There is still not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. Happy Father's Day pops!
Love you!!!!

28 years, 10 days, 6 hours and 55 min and then it was done... and then we went to 121

Is it weird that I went to dinner with him after signing myself out of my married life?

I started my day yesterday with such determination. I had spent the past 3 weeks or so really on edge, I thought it was just the shoulder surgery and all the work that was piling up, only to realize the night before last that it was the notion that I was ending of one of the longest chapters I've ever engaged in that was bothering me. Its funny in a way, it was like one of those monotonous stories that you kinda wanted to put down but were afraid to. I was a complete wreck a few days before, like the Tasmanian Devil, gathering those who were trying to support me up into my tornado of anxiety. I had a major epiphany within that, and when I finally admitted in writing that one of my biggest fears in life was being forgotten and abandoned, my heart seemed to open up like it was the most beautiful bloom on the planet. I don't know where I learned this fear, I just remember having it since kindergarten. What I came to understand that day is that I knew why I married the man I did, I knew why I accepted a lack of affection, and I knew that what I have right now, is love, of myself.

Love of self was something that the HBG, you know my friend Joey,  showed me that I not only needed but I deserved and it was the only way I could extend love. I have experienced more love in the past 18 months that I have in my whole life. My epiphany? I finally understood what love really was. I also understood that as long as I held onto that fear of abandonment I would never fully experience it.

Two nights ago I decided to close the door on this marriage wearing a dress. I started the relationship loving wearing dresses, and I stopped because there to I was begging to be noticed. He never told me I looked nice, never told me I was pretty, never seemed happy that I was on his arm... then told me that one of the reasons he wanted to leave me was because I never made the effort to look nice for him... So yesterday I got my hair cut, put on a nice dress and brought along my favorite sketchbook pen... After everything was signed I ask him if he knew why I wore a dress and yes he questioned it. I told him I did it because I knew he wouldn't notice. It was my way of knowing that nothing had changed and that signing was not a mistake. He admitted he noticed but he didn't say anything. This was so typical and I found that I was no longer heartbroken by the lack of attention.

It seems strange, that we went out to dinner. I was planning on going out to eat but I decided to invite him along because I really didn't feel like going home and facing those new feelings in that box with a past. So we went to dinner, at the last place we had dinner as a couple on our anniversary two years ago. I introduced him to my friend that works there as my soon to be ex-husband and assigned him no other name. When we got home, he notices that there were bagels and a chocolate babka on the table and asked me why I had gone to his old neighborhood in the Bronx that day and got bagels and babka? DID YOU EVEN NOTICE MY HEAD? OMG THE DAY BEFORE YOU TOLD ME MY HAIR WAS GETTING LONG AND I  WENT AND GOT IT CUT!!! in the BRONX! Yes, no regrets I did the right thing. I promptly celebrated with a bourbon on the Shard Porch as I discussed the days events with Joey. Then I retreated to my room, never uttering another word to him.

I think in the end though, despite the fact that he said he had 6 years to be over our relationship, I was more prepared emotionally than he was. I have been working on myself for a grueling year and a half. I have learned how to love, how to except love, how to feel sexy, how to be beautiful. It is hard work, but so worth it. I came into this marriage not liking myself to much and accepting that I didn't deserve more than I was getting.  I have exited this marriage knowing that I love myself and deserve nothing less than the amount of love and attention I have given myself. Never again will I be with someone who doesn't appreciate what I appreciate about myself. I am a helpless romantic and expect nothing more than to be treated that way, no more phishing for it.

I woke this morning with a smile on my face, the type you have when your heart is light...I can't wait to see the HBG again.

121 Restaurant North Salem, NY                                                   FM Rating 10+ 
Choose from the bar menu or order clam pizza, these are must haves in this great place!  It gets crowded though so be prepared to wait.

Hearts, flowers and a week feeling at home in AR

It has been 12 days since I last saw Joey, and while enjoying what we have living 1200 miles apart can be difficult at times, what I have in a friendship is truly unique and very much a blessing, something I will never take for granted.  Lets just hope the next 12 days goes as quickly as the last.

On February 14,  just after midnight, I landed in Memphis. I arrived to beautiful flowers,  an incredible airport kiss and a beautiful handmade Valentine! *(see handmade below) Our plan was to head to Little Rock in the early afternoon, settle in, eat dinner, go to a show and then head out on the town. We did, and it was amazing!

Our way back from Little Rock was a race against the ice clock. We stopped for groceries, knowing we would be stuck for a few days with the impending storm. We headed home, and prepared a wonderful meal and hunkered down for a few days of captive studio time. It was the most wonderfully relaxing 10 day break from school that I have ever had the pleasure of enjoying. I am not one to be a homebody, but this time, it was just what I needed. We did venture out from time to time, and even managed to take in a movie the night before I returned home.

So what did we do/see?:

In Little Rock we went to:

the Flying Saucer     -FM rating 10
 When we couldn't get into the Flying Fish for dinner we went on a hunt for another suitable eatery. This place boasted a HUGE craft list and basically was one of the most progressive I have seen in AR yet. CUDOS to them. Valentines special, a flight of sours, some hard to get stuff too. Food was tasty and well worth the stop.

The Studio Theater FM rating 8+ 
Maybe it was just the production we saw, Rehearsal for Murder, which was a bit dry and not as interactive as we expected? This is an incredibly progressive space however and the bar boasts $7. glasses of wine that are basically 10oz pours AND you can take them into the theater with you.  

Willie D's Piano Bar FM rating 7 
Entertainment was great, and there is a dance floor upstairs, but the drinks sucked - order Macros as they are not as big of a price gouge.

The Flying Fish FM hangover rating 12++
A boatload of really fresh fish (we had the grilled trout) and OYSTERS served up with freshly ground  cocktail sauce.  All that was missing was the Bloody Mary. Sunday brunch was not overly crowded.

Historic Arkansas Museum FM rating 12++ (even while hungover) 
Incredible collection for such a small place and its free!

The movie we saw?
Fifty Shades of Grey  FM rating- 0 it SUCKED!!! 
boring, abusive, not worth the money or the time


*the handmade rules:
Birthday and Christmas gifts are to be handmade and/or up-cycled and if its up-cycled it has to cost less than $5.00.
Cards given on Valentines Day and other important dates determined by us- have to be handmade
Food, when prepared at home has to be as sexy as possible so that it evokes a sense of gratitude for the ability to share each others company and mindfulness of eating.

Why these rules? Everything about learning to love yourself as well as each other is a journey in mindfulness. Exchanging things that are handmade with each other creates the time for reflection on this mindfulness. Everything we do for each other, we also do for ourselves.

Our next Adventure? NCECA

where a year has taken me- the story I never really told

It was just about a year ago (Feb 7, 2014) during the opening ceremonies of the Olympics that the man I had married 28 years earlier had told me that he had something to tell me, and that thought he would loose me. He confessed to a double life, lets put it this way, he confessed to a very long and very fruitful, meaning more than one woman, life...I am not one to kiss and tell but the fact that I had to beg for any type of affection or affirmation for the last half dozen years suddenly made sense. So did the never wanting to travel with me, even when it was for the kids. Lets put it this way, this past year has been a journey of discoveries. While this whole story has been sad, a great deal of those discoveries have been wonderful.

Where has this year taken me? At first I was asked if we could work it out, the shock of the betrayal yet to sink in and then there was the unconditional love. I thought he was the love of my life. The interesting thing here, is that so many have told me there is no way they would forgive. All I can say is until you walk a day in my shoes, you have no idea. Everything I read said give it a year. I was willing to put 1000% in and I did, I spent hours toiling over making myself into this creature I was not (hair, nails, make-up,  among other things) and doing all this work on communication skills. The only problem was, I was still pleading and he was still playing, WITH HER. Six months after I agreed to work it out, I decided, when he stood me up at the airport so that he could go to a concert with her, that I was tired and finally giving up. I let him go. Funny thing, he seemed indifferent. WOW, I meant that little. That was an eye opener.

He had moved out briefly in April, I wish he had stayed out. I would be so much further along in the healing process. Though I think about this and know that I am probably better off with the way things have played out, mostly because there are lessons I have learned that have helped me tremendously by his refusal to leave.

I had forgiven him for awhile, that was until he refused to give up his other life. While I was wearing those rose colored lenses,  I had confided in a handful of friends that had varied opinions about what was going on. A half dozen of them have really been crucial to making this years journey about me and LESS about HIM. There is this one, however, that really stands out. His name is Joey.

Joey and I have been friends since the moment we met a few years ago while our boys were skating. He is one of those people that you could talk about anything with. When I called him a year ago to tell him what had happened, I told him that I just needed someone to listen, without opinion. He obliged and then he did something spectacular, he helped me try to figure out what I needed to do to "fix" my marriage, despite knowing in his heart that my husband was just dicking me around (*excuse me). Joey also kept trying desperately to get me to spend a weekend away, if only to give me respite from the grief he was watching unfold. I was so desperate. I was so not myself. Then he did the one thing that everyone wanted to do but couldn't figure out how to do. He ran pass interference, the kind that was akin to a rescue mission. I had planned on spending a solo 2 weeks away, deep in the woods, 5 miles off the grid. When that fell through, Joey got his uncle to offer his place at the lake. Joey convinced me to come, stay, decompress before school, and bring some clay. He rescued me from myself.

 I like to think of Joey as an extremely compassionate soul, the kind of friend that would let you call him crying or angry at 2:30 AM (boy has he seen that a few times). The guy that would let you sleep if you needed it, or make you a cup of tea if you needed that. The one thing that set him apart from everyone else, is that he understood that the one thing my husband had neglected, my self esteem. He told me I was pretty, gorgeous, sexy, a girly girl... all well before he ever held my hand, all while I was trying to compete with the other woman. He made sure to remind me of who I was, as he had always known me. He ran into the fire and pulled me out 1000X and quite honestly I know in my heart of hearts he would do it again. (Don't worry, I am so cognizant of how special that is that I won't/can't/don't abuse it. Our friendship means too much!)

What I have learned about me in this past year: I am this awesome, creative, ambitious, confident and compassionate woman. I am beautiful, sexy, and it is an honor to be loved by me. I have learned that meditation can change the world, the universe is amazing and that sometimes letting go of the pain, just nourishes your love. I have learned that there were a lot of things I gave of myself in the name of love that I had no right giving, and that there are a lot of things that I would never give up ever again. I have found the dignity and respect that I deserve within myself and if you love me, you won't ask me to sacrifice it. I learned true friends, are EVERYTHING!

So this is where I am a year out, choosing not to make an anniversary out of the negative but rather engage in a celebration of who I fell in love with on my journey, MYSELF! I do know that this is only the beginning, but I also know that I can (and will) THRIVE!

At home with the flu

A week ago last Friday I came home from school feeling really bad, I had been for two days but had been ignoring it. I was about to go to the gym when in my typical whiny I don't want to go manner, I decided to focus on the fact that I felt feverish. I took my temp, it was 101.8. I guess that meant I was sick. Yay, no gym, my first thought! Then came that realization that I felt really bad, in other words now that I knew I had a fever, ignoring my symptoms was not an option anymore. So I got myself cleaned up and climbed into bed. On Sunday, I decided maybe I should go to urgent care. It had a 3 hrs wait every time I ventured up there so my wait was going to be for my own doctor. I had the flu. I knew that. I just needed to note to stay home from work. My doctor was just as busy (not available) so I toughed out urgent care, my fever had broken and I was told that I could go back on Wed...yeah I tried that. It didn't go so well.

On Wednesday, I managed a half a day's work.  I didn't have a fever but I couldn't stop coughing. I couldn't breath and in the meantime my face had broken out with cystic acne. Between the two, I needed antibiotics and a place to rest.  I was back at my own doctor on my way home from school. I left her office with a note and strict orders. Go back to your house, pack your PJs, your robe, and your toothbrush and go somewhere to get well, whether that means go to your mom's or head south doesn't matter, just go somewhere not stressful to get some quality rest. That's exactly what I did. Later that evening, despite the expense, I found myself getting off the plane in Memphis. I finally found myself finally feeling at home while I was recovering. The HBG took great care of me and by Friday night I was so ready to venture out of the house.

We went for Pho. Funny, with all the soup I had eaten in the past week I could still find a place for this warm bowl of noodles. We then found ourselves at the Evergreen Presbyterian Church to hear the Messiah. As wonderful as that was, it was about all I could handle and here it is Monday, and I am still spent. It was, however, just as I said, incredibly wonderful!

I flew home last night, into more snow and with a prayer that I wouldn't  get stuck in Atlanta. If they are going to cancel my flight, please let it be while I have a warm bed. I made it, landed in NY just as snow was starting and enjoyed a final day of recouping before the rat race begins again tomorrow.

Pho Saigon, Memphis, TN   FM 9+
This was a classic Pho shop. Wonderful, flavorful. definitely worth the stop!!! Cheap eats!!!

Memphis Symphony Orchestra and the Rhodes Choral Society FM 8.5+
The performance of the Messiah was wonderful, despite the Christmas portion of the score being a little less dynamic than it could have been. It was as if they got a pep talk at intermission because the 2nd half of the program was incredible! There were several soloists that transformed the work... Mary Wilson, Kyle Ferrill, Katie Clark, and Barrie Cooper

Young Aveneue Deli, Memphis, TN FM 9+
We stopped in to kill some time between dinner and the concert. It was a place I would've loved to hang out at for a bit, despite it being cavernous enough to make hearing your companion a bit difficult. It has a more than pedestrian tap list, actually, it's an incredible list, both tap and bottle. CRAFT BEER MUST!!!

A Soak, Scrub and a Rub: a journey to Hot Springs

A Soak, Scrub and a Rub: a journey to Hot Springs 

We started New Years off right by booking a spa day in Hot Springs NP, AR. We were trying to give the town another chance, our last visit was fun, but not quite the way we wanted to remember the place. The drive, which was about 2.5hrs, took us through some interesting farmland and small towns... the more I see the more I LOVE ARKANSAS! 

Our Spa treatment was wonderful, and was akin to a cleansing of the past year of heartache and a fresh way to start anew. However, there were things about it we didn't like. We ended the time in Hot Springs NP with a few games of pool, a burger and some wings. The night? It was just beginning. We rang in the New Year at the Legion, with more pool and lots of dancing. 

Quapaw Baths: (Spa treatment) FM 7

While the two of us loved the public soak we had back in July, the spa services were very expensive for what you were given and there was a lot of waiting around time on furniture that was less than comfortable. We were told the private soak would be 50 minutes only to find out that it was actually 20 minutes with a 30 min cool down before the massage and we were forced to sit in these little nooks that were not very conducive to relaxing. The massage and scrub were wonderful for me, yet for the HBG the masseuse seemed to be afraid to apply pressure or maybe just a bit distracted by her own life? We also didn't appreciate the way in which the tables were set, we couldn't see each other much less understand that we were enjoying our experience. We may as well have been in different rooms all together. 

3B's  FM 9

We left the pompous main street of Hot Springs NP to an enjoyable dinner and multiple games of pool. This place has tons of character! Located in a more NORMAL yet somewhat depressed neighborhood, and you get the feeling that you are walking into the wonderful neighborhood dive bar. The craft beer offerings were decent and the food was outrageous.  Dinner of 2 doz wings, burger, 4 beers and 4 games of pool, a mere 36. including the tip!  This place is a don't judge a book by its cover MUST visit if you are in the National Park.  

Loving the SOUTH again - Overton Square

I arrived in AR Christmas night and so far have been treated to a wonderfully relaxing few days filled with LOVE. We celebrated Christmas on the 26th with a meal of venison, salad, turnips and southern green beans.  We spent a nice post Christmas Saturday afternoon and early evening in Memphis. We found this small theater that had produced an incredible production of Peter Pan, something we watched together on TV a few weeks ago despite being 1200 miles apart. We went for dinner at Boscos Brewpub, which is the oldest brewpub in TN and then played pool at RP Billiards in East Memphis before heading back across the river to the Legion for more pool, live music and dancing. What an awesome way to spend any Saturday, especially a rainy one. 

Playhouse on the Square - FM rating 12+++ 

This little theatre was an incredible space and the cast, sets, production we saw filled that space to overflowing. This is a MUST see!!!

Boscos Brewing - FM rating 8

Overall the beer was ok ( some fantastic, some ehh... ) and the food edible in this classic brewpub in a tourist area. My favorite was the Alt, which was a seasonal German a style ale. 

RP Billards - FM rating 8.5 

We had fun here. Pool was $1.00 game or $8./hr. The beer on tap was somewhat pedestrian but they did have a few crafts. 

Minnie Pearl, buttermilk biscuits and mindfulness

In the past 6 months, as I navigate my new situation, I have spent a great deal of time soul searching. Mindfulness has been one of those things that I have really taken the time to develop, from meditating for an hour a day to dressing out an animal that I took the life to provide sustenance in the form of a wonderfully sexy meal.  In that time, the HBG and I have discussed family quite a bit. There is a soulfulness to our friendship that seems to remind each other of our grandmothers. My grandmother, Edith (MeMe) was a concert pianist, very much into the opera, classical music and art. His grandmother, I am told was this wonderful witty down to earth woman with an infectious personality who made these incredible buttermilk biscuits and never understood why he seemed to be attracted to girls from the Northeast. Here I am, a NYer (giggle). Somewhere in those discussions there was this quest to learn how to learn how to make biscuits. I cook a lot of things well, biscuits were something I really, really, really suck at. I mean show up at the table in goalie gear and a check for the dentist… ok, maybe not that bad, they were edible, but not flaky, and not anything like the biscuits I envisioned. My guru? He was so gracious and ate them anyway. I giggle because later that day he mentions that Minnie Pearl sifted her flour and used lard… I did not sift the flour and used butter. FAST FORWARD to tonight…

Tonight I made a very small pot of venison stew. It was just enough for dinner and to take for lunch. I would be the only one who would be eating tonight. I decided it needed some biscuits and I had some very nice leaf lard from the butcher in the fridge. I took out my own grandmother's favorite cookbook, found a recipe for buttermilk biscuits, and proceeded to make them. I thought about Minnie Pearl and what it might have been like to watch her make biscuits to learn from her. I thought about an encounter I witnessed my extremely impatient soon to be EX had with waiting in line at the mall. I told him that in he would never make it in the South, he would be ignored because of his behavior. There was no need for all that angst, it only invites more stress,  and not the results you would think. I told him to take that minute he has to wait and relish in the time he has been afforded to relax. What does what I had witnessed at the mall yesterday have to do with making biscuits? As I read that recipe, I found myself immediately making these steps in my brain on what had to be done and in what order at 10.000 mph. I was trying to rush the process, baking biscuits in a NY minute was not going to work. I had to "slow down". I did. I slowly went through the steps, followed the recipe to the T, sifting the flour 3X and remeasuring it, measuring the leaf lard using water displacement and the buttermilk with a fluid measuring cup. I thought about how when I learned to make bread correctly, it was a similar experience, slowing down and measuring/weighing exactly, the result was amazing. I rolled out the dough to 1/4 inch thick and cut the biscuits, placed them on a greased sheet, and brushed them with cream . The oven was very hot, 450 degrees and when I put them in to bake, it seemed like within minutes they were over an inch thick. Within 10 minutes I had these incredible, flaky, beautiful rounds that I could actually call biscuits and between my handmade bowl, the stew made from local ingredients and meat that I had procured myself, this meal was one of the most mindful parts of my day. I think I even feel Minnie Pearl's smile from heaven. I am beaming! I only wish the HBG could be here to taste them.

I guess I will just have to practice until then?

My holiday letter fitting for the feast of St. Lucia

I'm officially 50, shhhh don't tell anyone! My birthday celebration was 10 days long with the HBG being present for all of it and he made sure it was perfect! We went to the opera, ate at WoHop downstairs at 2AM, tooled around the village, visiting Greenwich House Pottery,  Bleeker Street Pizza, City Island, ate Oysters, went to the beach, and my kids threw me an incredible party, I spent Thanksgiving in Arkansas, picked Pecans, went to see the Christmas Story at the Orpheum, played pool in two states, got really wasted on moonshine, danced a lot, went to the Brooks Art Museum and this awesome steakhouse for dinner. Yes, I even had a sloppy version of messy sex for breakfast on my birthday (get your mind out of the gutter) before flying home first class (hey you only turn 50 once).
I am posting this letter dedicated to the HBG on the feast of St. Lucia in honor of our friendship for several reasons (some I care not to share). You see,  a few months ago we had a conversation about family heritage and traditions while discussing pierogi and how I came to know how to make them as well as my dislike of pork…except that I have been known to sneak kielbasa slices occasionally. My family is steeped in ethnic traditions, possibly because the intimate connection with Europe is still there. We are proud of both our Polish and German heritage. I learned how to polka before I was 8 and make pierogi, understand the complexities of sauerbraten (why my mom had a crock of pungent veal in the closet next to the cereal) and expected lebkuken, nuts and clementines in my stocking from the time I understood there was something to expect. I feel so fortunate that I have these traditions to hold onto. He on the other hand wishes he knew more about his Norwegian heritage. The feast of St. Lucia is big in Norway and since the Christmas dinner we have planned has taken on a Norwegian theme thanks to my favorite venison tenderloin recipe being Norwegian, I figured it was never to late to introduce someone to what they might expect. Yes I said Christmas dinner. I am sharing Wiligia (Christmas Eve) with my family at home and then after a brunch of Kielbasa, eggs, poppyseed bread and pierogis I will be headed to the airport with a few beautiful cuts of venison from my first deer frozen in my bag to spend the rest of my Christmas break in Arkansas. So on the menu, tenderloin of course, lefse, lingonberry, some kind of vegetable, a spinach salad and rice pudding (yes complete with the hidden almond - wink). The cocktail however will be German. I do like mulled wine, but can never get it to taste right so we will be having Hugos instead (perseco, st germain, and muddled mint).

 Learning to embrace traditions is only part of it, I am also dedicating this post to him in honor of his brother Tracey, who passed away a few days ago. In the past year I have learned about the importance of the relationship of siblings as I watched my children navigate their own pain as well as lean on each other while trying to figure out how to ease the pain I was experiencing. I have also realized how wonderfully insightful and important my brother is. While I never met Tracey, I felt this connection to him while watching the HBG navigate the journey of his last days.

I want to talk about my year and why the HBG has meant so much to me. Three years ago we spent a great deal of time together when our boys found themselves training together in Utah that summer and we lived with the same family. We were instant friends and talked quite frequently after that summer. Last year at this time I was getting the family ready to go to Utah to Olympic Trials, and I was so excited to have the opportunity to visit with him in person again. He joined us every day for the 10 day trip to support Chris and his effort to make the team. Shortly upon returning home, I learned that my home life as I knew it was going to change forever. My husband admitted to a double life and despite wanting to "work it out" he let me bend over backwards while he continued to play, with her. I had trouble sharing this with anyone really and became somewhat introverted. However, one day, the HBG called me to try to figure out why I was all of the sudden so distant. I broke down and cried on the phone as I was shopping for a date night dress that day in Macy's. I wanted to be sexy and beautiful, only I felt that I didn't know much about how to be a girl. He listened, as I told him what was going on, no input, just support. Then, he helped me find a dress. Over the next few months, he listened through my fear, heartache, anger, and frustration. He offered me weekend refuge when he knew I needed it. He encouraged me to believe I was beautiful, and sexy, which was something I was never told by my husband. He let me call him at 2:30 AM crying, he extended the most gentle, kind and considerate personality I have ever known from anyone. He was the one friend who ran pass interference from the start. He knew what I needed and took a risk by stepping up to help. He has seen me at my worst this year. He has helped me to find my best. My year was made manageable because of the love of a very good friend. He will forever be in my heart!!! I often feel like he has 1200 mile long arms!!!

My year has been both a challenge and a joy of firsts. I am not sure what my future single life will bring but I do know he will always be in it.

Things I am grateful for? My family, my friends (especially the HBG and his family who have welcomed me with a warm hug, wonderful hospitality, and beautiful smiles), and yes even for my soon to be ex (for releasing me from this mediocre life that I was trying to make the best of) Getting to know and love the South. A love of green tomato soup, boiled turnips and spinach salad. Learning to say PECAHHHN. Playing pool, jumping off cliffs and chasing brownies with a BUD. Having someone to share cultural things such as the opera with. Those BOOTS!

Firsts: a solo cross country drive, green tomato soup, killing and dressing a rabbit, killing and dressing a deer, learning and loving to wear dresses, real moonshine. loving myself!

OK for the FM ratings:

The Metropolitan Opera, Lincoln Center, NYC   FM rating 12+++
Everyone should get dressed up and go to the opera at this grande opera house at least once in their life.

WoHop downstairs- 17 Mott Street, NYC FM rating 10++
This is CLASSIC Chinese at its best. Late night crowded is the plus!

Bleeker Street Pizza - 69 7th Ave, NYC FM rating 10
Seating can be an issue as this place is tiny. Pizza is great!

Greenwich House Pottery FM 12+++
Ok this is an outstanding clay center need I say more?

Orpheum Theater Memphis FM rating 10++
Not a bad seat in the house and adult sippy cups

Brooks Museum of Art Memphis FM rating 9
Small and manageable

Majestic Steakhouse Memphis FM rating 8.5
food was great but is was a bit pretentious and expensive- sit at the bar!!!

In the Valley

Standing in a hayloft, it's 28 degrees and the attire? A boyfriend shirt, some lingerie, and THOSE boots. I figured out pretty instantly what all those years on the ice trained me for, that 30minutes in the barn.

Lori made me feel so wonderful! Had so much fun with this! Check her out at http://www.shadowcatcherltd.com (FM rating 12+++)

Copious amounts:
An incredible visit with Jim and Marge that included copious amounts of alcohol to pry the tale of HIS infidelity out of me without me crying. Of course it did help that HBG seemed to be holding my hand on this one a bit. I drank so much yesterday that I thought for sure I would've felt horrible this morning but it's nothing a run couldn't handle.  We did go out at one point to the Backyard Alehouse for a tasting. I did turn Jim onto the untapped App.

I hesitated for a long while about coming to see family with all the stuff going on at home only to realize how silly a thought that was. My travels always seem to cheer me up and visiting with some of my favorite people only makes it better. 

If you're ever in Scranton checkout the Backyard Alehouse. They have an incredible selection of micro both on tap and in bottles. (FM rating 10) 

Hustlin? Not me, YET, anyway!

(Melanie and I at Jack and Jills)

There is this thing that happens when someone is so relaxed around you and so positive that they bring out the best in you and you start to radiate your own self generated happiness. You start to smile so much it hurts (SSMIH) and laugh so hard that you pee a little (LSHIPAL). You also start to get interested in new things, especially those things that seem to bring little kid joy to the person who seems to be able to make you giggle (and wiggle). Its all a process of understanding, both who they are as well as who you are. In that process you find a bit more of the self that you forgot was there, and you begin to take those pieces and run with them, like it was a 73YD touchdown in a bowl game.




The past few weeks I have been finding myself not only working out, but working hard at learning the game of pool, something I always found so difficult, that I would walk away from it more often than not. On a recent trip to AR to see that HBG (Hill Billy Guru), a more than decent pool player, I was intrigued by his coaching and how changing a few little things about the way I approached the game would make it so much less frustrating. I have played almost every day since. I am starting to love this game as much as I do my bike and looking at it in a similar manner, practice makes perfect, but only if its perfect practice. (hustlin? maybe soon, lol)


A note to the HBG, you have opened a can of worms and oh baby are you in for some competition next time I see you! (giggle)


So where have I been playing?


Jack and Jills, Brewster, NY (FM rating 12++) This place is a throwback, and the food is outrageously good!!! Play is by the hour. It's a tremendously friendly place!


Tom and Jerry's, Brewster, NY (FM rating 8.5) This is a great little pub on the outskirts of town. It even has a few craft beers on tap. Bar sized table that is great to play on when it's not busy, but when the regulars are there it can be a wait for a game. Its great if you are learning as you can get yourself into a competitive situation with random players, but it can be kinda intimidating to a newcomer.

Laboring over? (...which dress and boots to buy and what beer to drink)

I was Saratoga bound on Labor Day weekend. It finally felt so right and so normal. I had the bike in the car, the school work just in case, the clothes for every possible equation, a breakfast date with my Coici, and a picture of the H.B.G. to explain my latest thoughts to my friends. I even had $$ to spend on clothes (and one very fabulous pair of damn sexy and YES I love the SOUTH cowboy boots!!!).

My weekend started off in MACY's, dress shopping. I found three fabulous dresses, two I bought and the Lauren, it was 175. and warranted an OH, HELL NO despite looking incredible on. I made my way to Pete's for pizza. Going to Pete's is always a great thing. We have been friends for nearly 40 years yet at times it feels like he is still the chivalrous kid fending off the bullies on the playground.

I made my way to my mom's where we promptly went out to Nanola for a beer. Yes, my mom was sitting there enjoying the music and sipping a pilsner. We had a BLAST!!! The next day I started on the bike, then went to meet Alison and I went over to check out her new boat then for a light dinner and a hunt for boots. Sunday, I engaged in a hill ride, then an eventful breakfast and shopping with Coici judi and YES we discussed the H.G.B.  and found that Lauren dress for $46. !!! This was followed by a intimate Lucchese session at Saratoga Saddlery and a walk to get the dreamy Dan Post boots that I found the day before. OMG I was thinking about how incredible I would look getting off that plane in Memphis in three weeks!!!

My weekend ended at Alison and Rich's place and the nitty gritty details of my trip south. Lets just say that by the end of the night, thanks to Alison,  the H.B.G. will live on in glory!

_______________________

Just spent another weekend up there so I thought I would combine posts since they are only 2 weeks apart. This past weekend, I spent time running a 5K (insane Inflatable) and the bike with Alison (around Saratoga Lake) and a tremendous hike with Jon. I also trekked down to Hudson for Justin's gallery opening. I have to say, this was a surreal experience as the soon to be ex and I arrived separately. We have been talking a lot lately about the collapse, and there is absolutely no hope. This means arriving at the gallery was a bit awkward and dinner was even more so. It hurts, a lot, to know that he did nothing!

_______________________

The places I visited Labor Day:
Nanola - (FM rating 9.5) decent beer list, good food, great bands.

Druther's Brewing Company (FM rating 9) Decent Beer and food in an upbeat atmosphere.

Sutton Market and Cafe  (FM rating 9) A bit pricy but breakfast was good! Right near all the outlets if you are so inclined (I am not unless its with Coici Judi)

Jill's Wondering Cowboys (FM rating 8.5) Eclectic selection of western ware. THIS IS WHERE I GOT MY BOOTS!!!

Saratoga Saddlery - (FM rating 7) pricy but great selection of Lucchese boots.

______________________
Places I visited last weekend:

The Factory (FM rating 9) great food decent beer list

Asion Fusion (FM rating 5) Food was ok, service was not great. There are much better places in this hip college town.

Oh, HELL NO! (and yes I am in love with Arkansas!)

It has been about a week now since I returned from Arkansas. I am finding myself drawn into that country way of life thanks to one hillbilly guru. So much so, that I am not even sure what to post other that Greer's Ferry Lake (FM12++) is beautiful, but bring your own alcohol as the county is dry. Don't plan on doing much more than relaxing and be prepared to jump off cliffs. Coffee on the porch swang is way more pleasurable than any plain ole porch, despite the skeeters. Killing and skinning a rabbit was about the most spiritual thing I have ever done in my life! A must, if you're visiting, is a stop at Joe Bruhin's place -Fox Mtn Pottery and yes you should buy a pot! (FM 10+)

What I will give you about this trip is my insight on messy sex: 

You will need:

1 avocado per person
2 eggs per person
a few slices of a chili pepper - we used hatch
a few slices of cheese (we used apple smoked cheddar)
picante sauce
english muffin toasted per person

Halve the avocados and then slice a bit from the bottom so that the half will stay upright. Place in a pan.
Place a slice of chili pepper in the avacado
Crack an egg into each half
Cover and either place in oven, on the stove or if you are in AR then on the grill is best! (especially if the grill is next to that porch swing) 
Put down the english muffins
Cook until the top of the egg starts to show some white (loosely cooked) 
Top with cheese and continue to cook until cheese melts (do not overcook the eggs - for this to have that true messy sex mouth feel… oops maybe I said too much)
encourage each person to SMEAR the messy sex contents all over the english muffins 
 ENJOY IT like it will be the last time in a long while

Mainely Disconnected (but we did have fun)

This post should have gone out weeks ago, since then things have changed. I am moving on and  I am far more balanced and happier than I've been in a long time. Life has a funny way...

August 9, 2014

The day came, it had been suggested for the past six months that he and I go away with the intention of trying to reconnect. By the time we got to this point however it seemed that maybe it was too little to late. My heart has begun the process of being plated and is now sporting a nice new titanium shine to it. I found that gate in the fence last week and decided it was time to see if it was usable. Sporting a new tattoo to remind me of that newly discovered boundary, my heart was not so willing to fall for the bits of hope thrown at me regularly. The grass on the other side of the fence really is the same, only the new quieted space has a tremendous appeal. I found the porch of my soul and a wonderful new place for my sunrise coffee meditation. Well lets just say, coffee it good at any time of the day, especially when its shared with the child within, and good friends, The sweet air that goes along with it is like a prayer of love, and comforts me beyond my wildest dreams. I’ve realized I am less afraid of crossing those monkey bars that C.S. Lewis talks about. You cannot move forward unless you let go. My white wolf is cooing and the black one is comatose.

Off we went to our little cabin in the middle of no-where on the Bluehill Peninsula.

Maine has always been one of those places that riveted both our souls, and with that said, I was quite nervous that a trip here would reek havoc on my peace of mind, maybe build hope that had no business dominating my thoughts anymore. I made sure that there were enough new things in our itinerary to keep me from falling back on sentiment, because I knew in my heart that there was no way he would feel any connection, the freshly pressed skirt he has been shacking up with has sunk deep into the depths of his soul. Lets just say we mixed it up, a little hiking paired with oysters and yes a “little black dress’ .

Where we stayed: We found a cottage on Air B&B that was located in Brookfield, ME which is a tiny little town with almost nothing to do but relax.  Breakfast was included and it was extremely quiet and could, if you were so inclined, be the perfect romantic getaway. It has tremendous sex appeal.  Shirley and Fred treated us so well that we felt like we were old friends by the time we left.  (FM rating 10++)

On the way up we stopped in Portland at Po” Boys and Pickles, which was not new to us, but definitely one of those places that is a must stop if you find yourself driving through and need a sandwich.  (FM rating 9)

In Bluehill:

The Boatyard Grill, which is located in an active boatyard is like a tiki hut, or backyard BBQ space that had lots of Pina Colada getting  and caught in the rain ambiance. However, the food was mediocre and the beer served to warm. Sometimes its hard to visit places like this with him, the romance is the thing that gets left standing in the rain. There is a coolness factor here (FM rating 8)

Deep Water Brewing is located next to this really fancy restaurant , They share the same courtyard in fact. This makes it the perfect place to get out that little black dress, you know the kind that you can rock at a black tie or at a honky tonk, one merely needs to change the shoes. We shared a flight, a salad, the hanger steak, and some duck fries, served with garlic aioli. The beers were ok, but this brewery doesn’t market itself so without being in the pool of competition, they fall short of missing the mark The food was great though and the place was welcoming. (FM rating 8.5)

Marlintinis is located just outside of downtown. It packs a crowd on any given night. We only went there for drinks, which in out case we were the only non locals in the place.  The menu is standard pub fare I think. (FM rating 8)

In Ellsworth:

We went to dinner one night with the yen for something more than what we could find in Bluehill.. It had been a rainy afternoon and we had just spent two speechless hours pretty much ignoring each other in a cabin during a thunderstorm. This may have been boredom This may have been just the need to not talk.  We had after all had a day of  hiking, touring Belfast, and visiting several breweries. Maybe we were just tired. As we sat there nibbling on cheese and crackers and sipping a growler of beer from Strong Brewing, reading whatever seemed to strike our individual fancy, we contemplated dinner. We found Finn’s. an Irish pub in downtown Ellsworth. The food was decent and they had an incredible tap selection, though some of the taps had been rotated out. The issue with this was not the selection but that whomever was doing the rotating was not paying attention to the menu thereby creating a huge hopless whole in the middle. There were a fine selection of big beers and an equal amount of wheats and summer ales, but the IPA’s and Pales that kicked were not replaced with a like kind.. The energy in this place was fantastic, and for a town that seems to roll up the sidewalks on a Thursday night at 8, it was a great find. (FM rating 9.5)

Belfast:

This is a cute little town that loves its artists so the town alone is a must visit (FM10++)

Marshall Wharf is clearly the place to eat. This brewery sports a tasting room that serves local fare and it known for its oysters. (of course we indulged, what girl in her right mind would turn down a half dozen Pemaquid’s?) We split a flight as usual and then each ordered our favorite beer. It was a nice way to spend an afternoon. (FM 10++)

There was this BBQ place just across the parking lot from Marshall Wharf we tried based on the smell of smoke. It was so non-descript and bland that I cannot even remember the name. I am making note of it here so that readers can be aware that the meat lacked the flavor that one would expect. Did they even know how to use a rub? I wish I had been satisfied with just the oysters we had before this.

While in Belfast please consider buying work from a local artist instead of a tourist shop.

Bar Harbor:

Acadia National Park . This oceanside mountainous park is a MUST (FM 12++) . Especially if you have like to hike, scramble, climb or bike .  Two must hikes for everyone (not restricted by age) are Cadillac Mtn (consider becoming part of the sunrise club, packing along breakfast) and both Bubbles. Though there are many others too.

Cherry Stones: We hit this bar up for oysters and beer  after getting caught on the mountain top in weather.  The bartenders were friendly enough and actually made us laugh quite a bit (He was sporting his Yankee hat in Sox country- though his knowledge of BoSox trivia helped save his ass J )  They have a local beer list  but its not extensive.  (FM rating 8.5)