"Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition" ALAIN de BOTTON and my opinion of an opinion

Last night the HBG and I had one of many heart to hearts about our relationship as it is right now, the changes on the horizon with me moving in with him half way across the country, and the stress of my moving half way across the country, leaving everything I have known for so long, for the adventure of a lifetime...No, the details are a bit too intimate for me to share, and quite honestly none of anyone's business but our own. I will say though, it left me thinking about a lot of things. About my own journey through my personality and memories, sorting out the nostalgia from the painful bits buried in my mind's landfill. You see, somewhere in my adult life I shelved a bit of growth to tend to others needs. While I am at peace with this because for the better part of 30 years this was my family,  I am also  finding myself somewhat playing a fast game of catch-up. 
In the past three years my life has changed, in ways I could never have imagined. It is by far, much grander than it has ever been. I mean no offense to my children when I say that. It is just that I have found many things that I believed existed but that I did not know how to access. With that comes the tremendous growth that was needed to recognize and maintain those intrinsic values of love and happiness that we all search for. A few years ago, a marriage counselor told my ex and I that we would never treat our colleagues the way we treat each other and get away with it. I have held onto that. I accepted that I was part of the unraveling of that relationship and have since worked on those shortcomings of my own. What I have found is that I have this deep appreciation and love of self and can share it rather than to give. When I leave myself intact, I am so incredibly happy and not drained.
In the stress of leaving this place however,  I have spent the last couple of weeks trying to hang on to normal, though moving is anything but. I haven't moved yet, but I have fallen into this got to get this done and do that when I get there routine...In retrospect, it has been a way to look forward, but maybe also to a way to run from here without giving myself the closure I know I will want. I know in the core of my being that this is just fear battling for the top billing I refuse to give it. What I have found in Joey is this compassionate soul who listens and takes a step back and then reels me in when I am about to get lost in my own way. I adore him for this. This is just one example of the true sense of love that I always believed existed.
This brings me to a poignant share that I saw on FB this morning. It was an opinion written in the NY Times on Sunday by Alain de Botton "Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person". At first I read the article with a bit of trepidation. After giving it a second look with the perspective of an open mind I realized what I had known for a long time. I did marry the wrong person, for a lot of the wrong reasons, everything listed in that article matter of fact. I got married young, I was afraid to be alone, I feared I would be passed over, I was seeking that "normal" family that I never had as a kid. Yes, when the good feelings were gone, I held on miserably and tried to reframe, only to lose him to someone else anyway, never understanding until recently that we were never really compatible because our relationship was not based on love and the respect that comes with it, it was based on a longing for happiness. What I also came away with from that reading is that the statement "Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition" has applied to Joey and I all along.  We have been friends for what seems like forever,  and in that cause, even to this very moment, have always been considerate of each other. This is because of our love for the other as a person, not as an objectified ideal. Our compatibility is something that seems to grow with us, as we share our hopes, fears, dreams, and personal needs for self preservation and growth. The congruity factor is based on compassion, respect, consideration ... all that is LOVE. We are entering into our adventure together from this point with the grand hopes that when we reach 102, we will still share and perpetuate that same JOY.
To comment on the reflections of my own self, it has taken me a great deal of work to get into the habit of allowing myself the delight and indulgence in the silliness. With all the demands to "grow up", maybe some of us have forgotten how to relax enough to enjoy the humor even in the most mondane moments and we find ourselves searching for that wonder we knew as kids. We have so much to be grateful for in our lives, stop and take that time to recognize those things with a whole and open heart. Be JOVIAL and that love of the universe and everything in it will follow!

Address unknown? PROTEST POINT!!!

I thought long and hard about writing about this. I was thinking that an official rant would make me feel better, let me purge the frustration, the anger, etc... but there is was thing that I am being cautious about, not to protect the privacy of those involved (cough), but because I found a serious flaw in how one of our basic fundamentals of communication works, and because I didn't bring it upon myself, I can't fix it. I basically now understand why identity theft is such a concern here, as I found the weak link. It is the postal service and how they handle address changes. TSA requires more to get on a plane than the postal service does to change your address. So while I am being the responsible person, trying to find out when and how to go about forwarding my mail to my new home next month, I am going to leave you with this... someone (who will remain unnamed) was able to do that for me, only he forwarded my mail to the OTHER WOMAN, his new woman..., and the PO won't let me undo it because I didn't create the order. I have to wait 2 weeks to open an investigation and the only recourse I have would be to contact anyone and everyone that would be sending me snail mail and have them change my name to something other... ! WAIT? WHAT?  I had been doing that anyway, but in the slow, calculated way that you would handle a good puzzle, thinking about how one step will affect the next.  BTW it was my bank manager that encouraged me to consider that! He told me to consider this as a process, with very specific steps that have an order to them and if that order is mis-stepped at any point in the chain, regaining the ground can be more than tedious. Pete, my rant is done, and now I feel better and that was yesterday so I am officially moving on and letting it go!!!

Just one more thing? What are the chances the PO will pay my late fees?

the strength it has taken...

It has been 2.5 years since being blindsided by my ex and as excruciating as that day and weeks after were, the past month an a half, as I attempt to make peace with saying goodbye to one of the only places I have ever called home, I have found myself, at times, in that same excruciating place for very different reasons.
My year has been both exciting and painfully isolating. I have had much to do purging thirty years of living in the same place; 4 kids, lots of travel, need for visual stimulus, scholarly reading, not so scholarly reading and then there is my studio and art and antique collection. The ex moved out and left me with all this crap he didn't want, or maybe he did, but he didn't feel like dealing with it, then or now. The kids, spread all over the country at this point, have come and gone and gotten through their stuff in a piecemeal manner. The problem is however that whatever they didn't throw out is now on me too. Ans then there is my stuff and the artist look at the space I am moving to; one huge box does overwhelm a moderate box no matter how you slice it.
Sizing it up started in September when Joey asked me if I would consider moving. I went through the house.... I am taking my antiques, my studio and my art collection and my clothes. This became only one layer as we dug deeper. I have purged a bag or more and organized a box or more of stuff a day since September 28. I thought I moved 3 weeks ago. I have since woken up from that dream and found out that I still have stuff, too much stuff, and omg where the hell am I gonna put more stuff. I have found that my awakening is like a Bill Murray, proud of my Punxy roots, Groundhog skit  meets  George Carlin's version of what to do with your shit...
Then there is there the reality of all that. I am not mentally equipped to go through a constant life of purging and packing while enduring a new teaching assignment and relying on new colleagues as well as continuing to develop this wondrous relationship 1200 miles away. It was bound to happen. It first showed itself in January,  the consistent numbers were very high, 183/111. A few days off and a few changes of meds made it seem like I was out of the woods. In February, the numbers started creeping up with the packing. The numbers started creeping up with work stress. The numbers started creeping up! I reasoned it was just stress that it would go away. I reasoned that I would fix them though meditating. Essentially I ignored them. Essentially I ignored me! This is NOT COOL!
Then came crunch time, I felt like I was on this incredibly isolated island. I have this FT job that requires so much of my energy to even function. I have 30 years of nooks and crannies of papers and stuff and pure crap to go through by myself. We, Joey and I, have been dealing with the long distance LOVE OF OUR LIVES romance. Then, the separations, so incredibly difficult are often just put in a place where both of us can deal with them, despite being heartbreaking. My kids? OMG they are finally showing signs of being healthily upset about the loss of what they have known as family and the loss of the only place they have called home, and the prospect of Mom and Dad being Mom and Joey and Dad and Leigh...Then there is mom is gonna be in Arkansas... Yep, then numbers creeped up again, higher and higher with each adjustment of attitude (everyone involved).
Last week, the shit hit the fan. My BP was 178/115 and I was ordered to stay home for some time, not pack, not work, not do anything stressful. Joey came up, helped me with a lot of stuff, took me to look at art, made sure I ate right. He even extended his trip to make sure he could speak to my Doc. No easy answer, as stressed as I am, as hard as it is to do I am going to have to weather the storm.
The one thing I know about everything I have experienced is that the only way to deal with it has been to meditate, to acknowledge, and to have to most loving admiration for self. Then there is Joey...this man has had the patience of a saint and has shown me a love like the soul of the universe. I am not sure what the next few weeks will bring, but I know that come June 20 I will finally be home in his arms!!! This house? Who knows? Any offer over 290 considered!!!